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RSS feedsAuthor: Chris Holt
Opinions Columnist
Articles by this author:
Holt's Harangue: Checkered shoes and crooked smiles
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Hello everyone. My name is Chris, and I’m excited to have been selected as a columnist for The Stanford Daily. Over the next four years, I hope we’ll become great friends.
Holt's Harangue: Socrates' Dialogues on Home Furnishing
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Plato is by many accounts one of our most influential thinkers. Millions have read him and have been influenced by the likes of the The Republic, The Parmenides, and The Symposium.
A warm welcome to Dean Rumsfeld
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I believe Stanford needs Donald Rumsfeld. I propose that Donald Rumsfeld become the new Dean of Students.
Holt's Harangue: Your Resume, Your Radio
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Superbad: You'll dig it
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Holt's Harangue: Kids say the darndest things (about me)
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I’ve been working as a summer camp counselor for the last four summers.
Holt's Harangue: Sports scandal at Camp Woodchuck
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As the head counselor in charge of sports activities here at Camp Woodchuck, I want to come forward and acknowledge that there is an investigation as to whether or not one of our sports counselors fixed capture the flag games. This is one of the most serious situations, no, the most serious situation that I have ever experienced in my life.
Holt's Harangue: "Man vs. Wild" vs. underpants sunhat
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"Man vs. Wild" is my new addiction. Its host, Bear Grylls, forcibly strands and then informatively rescues himself from such remote locations as the Moab Desert, the middle of the Australian outback, and the forests of Wilfred Brimley’s mustache.
McClaine and Mac Guy versus the world
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Nothing gold can stay, ponyboy
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Holt's Harangue: Your child's graduation, just how you imagined!
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Holt's Harangue: Use the force! And an acting coach!
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Holt's Harangue: A modest proposal against a sweat-free Stanford
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An e-mail interview with Sarah Silverman
MONDAY MAYHEM|
The Lost Episodes of Mystery Science Theater
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Holt's Harangue: Your high school reunion
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Holt's Harangue: Existentialist Pizza
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The Arctic Monkeys: ‘Favourite Worst Nightmare’ a passable sophomore effort
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Forget the studio album, go see the Kaiser Chiefs at a venue near you!
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Holt's Harangue: Draft Day Reflections
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Chris gets 'Knocked Up'
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Holt's Harangue: The shrill siren song of spring
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Holt's Harangue: To Have and to Hannity
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Holt's Harangue: An admit weekend guide for parents
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The Tossers: A Toe-Tapping Journey
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For the last 15 years, Chicago’s The Tossers have been providing the Midwest with a distinct musical flavor that blends Irish heritage, Midwestern folk and punk defiance.
Holt's Harangue: My sister, the felon
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Holt's Harangue: The OSA should totally hire me
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Ted Leo and the Pharmacists offer students a cure
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Holt's Harangue: Your high-school friends aren't dead
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Holt's Harangue: How to survive a college theatrical production
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A lot of my friends are theater people, and thus I’ve been invited to go to quite a few theatrical productions on various college campuses.
Pauly Shore is no more
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The weasel is no more.
Holt's Harangue: eHarmonkey-Business
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Holt's Harangue: Avarice and Alchemy at Pub Night
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‘Depart’ with Flicks this week: It’s a good show
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Based on Hong Kong police thriller “Internal Affairs,” “The Departed” — playing at Flicks this Sunday — is considered by many to be Martin Scorsese’s latest masterpiece.
Holt's Harangue: Wedding announcements I don't want to hear
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East Bay punk: Two decades down . . .
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Holt's Harangue: I could write doctor shows
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Winter One Acts!!!
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Listening in a Winter Wonderland: Playlist 5
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Holt's Harangue: My sister, the frosh
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So I have a kid sister who is a freshman in a college far away from here.
Holt's Harangue: Holiday flavored libido
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Holt's Harangue: What is Ani DiFranco doing to our nativity scene?
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It’s ‘Brand New’
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Out of Long Island’s emo-core scene, Brand New is rare animal in that it can be labeled “emo” and “pioneering.” “Deja Entendu,” released in 2003, took the band in a softer direction, where more emphasis was placed on aesthetic and songwriting.
Gwar: Still cool?
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My friend who got me the tickets suggested I wear a white t-shirt.
Holt's Harangue: The iGhost in the Shell
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Holt's Harangue: Aaron Sorkin may have a political agenda
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Holt's Harangue: Do electric sheep dream of cyber sex?
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Holt's Harangue: Will be esoteric for food
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Holt's Harangue: Co-ed naked sex column
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Holt's Harangue: THAT GIRL
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Holt's Harangue: Love is bike accident waiting to happen
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...More Like Lying Girl 15
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Scandal has shocked the Internet world. People recently found out that Lonely Girl 15, a popular poster on the site Youtube.com is a fake, unlike everything else on Youtube.com.
How not to talk to the police
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As a college student, you and law enforcement meet in interesting ways.
Lobsters, Vampires & Activities Fair
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I have some advice to my fellow college students as we begin class this fall.
Commencement address
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I have prepared a commencement speech in the event that Mr. Brokaw calls in sick. I’m no Katie Couric, which hopefully means I’ll be a welcomed replacement.
Check out my ride, yo
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I just got my first car in four years. My sisters, both of whom have worse grades and are younger than me, have had cars continually since they turned 17.
The Roommate Speaks
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Hi readers. This is Chris Holt’s hung-over roommate. You may have seen him refer to me in many of his columns. This week, I thought I’d give Chris a break, let him learn how to tie a tie and write his column.
That’s not a housing solution?
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It’s the Death Star!
Return of ninjas v. pirates
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This column was originally published May 17, 2005. In light of recent events, the author feels it is still pertinent to life on campus — it’s not just because he’s being lazy.
At the CIA company picnic
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Porter Goss, director of the CIA, resigned Friday. Initially, there was no official reason given for his departure. He joins a growing list of top administrative officials who have resigned in recent months.
The Big Sleep and Dreams
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Now that TomKitty’s offspring has been born, Scientology is once again in the news. Suri, which means “rose, princess and edible grub found in the Amazon” was born a couple of weeks ago.
Dick and Jane are confused
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Notre Dame’s president has reversed his previous denunciation of the show and has decided to allow “The Vagina Monologues” on campus.
Writing a thesis, writing off sociability
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This column has been written largely because my mind has been fixated, chained to the dark throne of English literature for the last six months.
Spring Break: FREEEEDOM!
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I went to Scotland for my spring break. All my friends wanted to go someplace with sun and girls baked like lays, girls laid while they’re being baked, girl bakers eating lays, etc.
Pandas humping for democracy
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I gotta hand it to the roommate — sometimes he has great ideas. He’s the one who suggested I write on the current crisis U.
Why I don’t live in a co-op
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I should have drawn into a co-op. I love the outdoors, all my friends live in one and I’m an English major. All of these factors make me a prime candidate for co-op life.
Even Jared wouldn't eat this Subway
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The Subways are the latest in a swarm of bands to ride the coattails of the British rock invasion. Their debut album “Young for Eternity” is aptly named, seeing as two-thirds of the band is under the age of 21.
Viewing the oblivion: women’s basketball
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I stumble into the game shortly before tip-off, because I don’t like being there early and watching warm-ups. Chatting with my fellow members of the press always weirds me out, because they don’t like me comparing their job to copying and pasting from the Associated Press.
To Chuck and Hunter With Love
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Normal day at Stanford: Men avert their eyes and run scared. Women push aside the sniveling dorks on their meetings for Future Business Leaders of the World.
Hello from a foreign country
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Hi!
Screw with the government
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“Every time you masturbate, Rove is watching”?
Generation X? No, Generation $
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Our generation isn’t doing enough to support this war. It’s not like, you know, some of us are fighting it. So it makes complete sense for Congress to vote to cut funding for student loans.
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked my heart
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As I looked upon the beardless face of Chuck Norris, I realized just how many good things I have come to love and expect are now gone and beardless.
A hipster’s guide to the holidays
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You are young and jaded and don’t believe in anything. You have already written off the holiday season as a consumerist orgy, and you are trying to have your own holiday that will be anti-consumerist, anti-cheesy and thoroughly ironic.
I dress to depress
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Through four years of prep school, I never once learned how to tie a tie. The tie, if you didn’t know, originated in the old west.
San Francisco secession and Bill O’Reilly
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Apparently, San Francisco seceded from the Union last week. I was not aware that San Franciscans voted on secession in the recent election, but according to conservative talk show host Bill O’Reilly, that’s exactly what they did.
Michael Brown redecorates your home
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Recently, former Federal Emergency Management Agency director Michael Brown’s e-mails have been made public. I have a certain amount of sympathy for the guy, because you never want your e-mails to be made public.
Pimped out hearse ride
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I attended Sigma Nu’s Moonsplash this past Saturday. If you didn’t see me, it was because I was under the right elbow of some guy I didn’t know, between three slightly inebriated freshman girls from Cedro and on top of what smelled like the remains of last year’s partiers.
Somebody didn’t read the Field Guide
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As evidenced by the abuses at Abu Ghraib, the United States did not have a clear policy on torture — or, at the very least, was allowing it to occur.
Thrice showcases a new, softer sound, finds religion.
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They are not screamo. They are not emo. They are not metal and they are far too complicated to be just plain rock. Southern California’s Thrice is hard to pin down with any one genre, and their unique blend has only become more diverse with their latest release, “Vheissu.
Bombing smurfs for the children
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The United Nations Childrens Fund (UNICEF) recently unveiled an ad campaign that you may or may not have seen. It features a panoramic view of those lovable smurfs, a Belgian cartoon popular in the 80s.
Ending the recruitment debate
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After recent press on the subject, I’m dismayed that Stanford students have not taken a stronger stand. I’ve seen the recruiters myself — they’re always wearing uniforms that are silly in this climate, and they are more than a bit pushy.
Commencement locations I’d like to see
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With the renovation of Stanford Stadium, this year’s location for Commencement is in question. As a senior, this issue has some personal importance to me.
General Education Ridiculousness
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I do not understand the GERs at all. That would not be so surprising, except that I’m a senior. So maybe it’s a bad thing that they’re changing the system and offering me the option of being part of the hip and new.
Welcome to my evil lair
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I was enjoying a piña colada and watching the sunset on my beautiful desert island when a most unfortunate incident occurred.
Dr. Googlelove (or how I stopped worrying and learned to love the search engine)
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So Google, that happy little search engine and provider of the thoroughly awesome e-mail service "Gmail" has unfurled its next plan.
Pirate pride, ninja nay-saying
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Draw drama
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Depending on whether or not the housing Web site is down, the Draw should be over by the time this column comes out. Thus, I've decided to come up with some suggestions for next year.
Dirty Harry's energy solution
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Armed vigilantes calling themselves the “Minutemen" have made headlines recently for their volunteer patrol along Arizona's border in an effort to forcefully curb illegal immigration.
Pledging the papal fraternity
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After days of deliberation, the highly discerning brothers of Gamma Omega Delta have selected their pledge class: one exchange student from Germany.
The Day of Anti-Awareness
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On April 13, students across the country participated in “National Day of Silence” to raise awareness about anti-gay bias in high schools and colleges.
C is for crazy people
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Remember Cookie Monster? He ate a lot of cookies. That's why he's called Cookie Monster: he eats cookies in monstrous, hilariously exaggerated amounts. As a child, you laughed at his antics. It was cute, it was pure.
Reel Big Fish, Reel Big Letdown: 'We're Not Happy'
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Reel Big Fish’s fifth album might make the band happy, but it’s going to have trouble pleasing anybody else.
I am Charlotte Stanfordite
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Taking a cue from Tom Wolfe, I've decided to write a story about college life. Unlike Tom Wolfe though, I won't be wearing white suits that make me look like Colonel Sanders.
The end of Da(il)ys
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The Stanford Daily has money set aside in case of unforeseen monetary emergencies. The ASSU denied The Daily placement on the special-fees ballot, in large part due to this emergency account.
The Band embodies Stanford's spirit
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@BYline:By CHRIS HOLT
@normalcopy:
In Glenn Truitt's column, "Why I Hate the Band" (Mar. 1), he leaves out some key details that would greatly enhance his argument.
Sell out with me
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I think it’s great that the new Maples Pavilion is sponsored by half a dozen companies that blast their messages during every time-out.
Asia is so retro
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It is a well-known fact that many Asian countries enjoy American styles, sometimes adopting them 20 or 30 years after the trends leave the United States.
Indiana Jones and the Viennese Ball
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. . . Would be a great title for a movie, wouldn’t it?
One bad bunny, buster
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So I opened the paper the other day and stumbled on a story about PBS — you know, the government-funded channel behind controversial programs like “Barney the Dinosaur.
Avast, Ye Media Pirate!
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Music piracy is no longer the only threat facing the entertainment industry these days. Video piracy (in particularly full-length movies and TV shows) has risen in the last year as well.
Protests are useless, but so much fun
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By CHRIS HOLT
I was at the anti-inauguration rally the other day, and I had an epiphany. While I was yelling and feeling empowered with the dozens who showed up, I suddenly asked myself some questions:
Why wasn’t this making a difference?
Taking the class shopping system to the next level
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Last week’s Daily editorial encouraged reform of the shopping system. The shopping system, if you are unaware, allows students to shop classes like they are stores in an educational mall.
INTERMISSION APOCALYPSE: It's here
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1) The Red Sox Win the World Series: And lo!
Guide to making your own snow trip
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From what I’ve heard, a lot of dorms did not hold their annual snow trips this past weekend because of — ironically — snow.
Help! The invasion of the iPod people
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So I finally broke down and got an iPod. My life is now complete; I have officially become as lazy as everyone else. We can’t manage to save the rainforest, cure SARS or come up with a better alternative to fossil fuel, but dammit, scientists have insured we can listen to “Toxic” anywhere, anytime and with a really cute interface.
Big Game rivalry: A Freudian analysis
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By CHRIS HOLT
In order to look at Big Game this year, I’ve decided to do a completely unbiased, objective, psychological analysis of the two schools’ student bodies.
The Democrats vs. the Decepticons
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By CHRIS HOLT
I think a microcosm for this entire election is what happened in Franklin County, Ohio. In Franklin County, due to a computer glitch, Bush received 3,893 more votes than he should have.
The Dark Side of Full Moon on the Quad
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I think the administration should cancel Full Moon on the Quad. Forever. I’ve talked to the folks at the Vaden Health Center, as well as several high-ranking biology people, and the figures are shocking.
Intermission Class Shopper
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CHEM 35: Organic Monofunctional Compounds
As a decidedly non-pre-med senior, I never expected great things from my required quarter of Chem 35.
Totally Absurd Politics
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Kerry and Bush traded words, looks of consternation, and compliments about their daughters. There were few surprises: Kerry mentioned Vietnam, Bush mispronounced words and both were featured in a dark room, alone, bare-knuckled with only a few feet of blue carpet and tie selection separating the two.
Rejected dorm themes that really aren’t so bad
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Dorm themes. Everyone has them, but who comes up with them?
You don’t really need Orientation
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Welcome, overlords. Once again, the administration has rejected my suggestions to improve Orientation. Namely, to not have it.
Chris goes underwear shopping, but it’s not what you think . . .
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A couple of weekends ago, I went shopping. This only occurs twice a year. Every time, I'm either conned into doing it by an attractive friend of the opposite sex or I have run out of deodorant.
‘Dude, where’s my hamburger?’
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“Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle” could have easily been the same, average mind-numbing teen comedy. Its plot — two stoners taking a trip to find munchies — seems like a “Half-Baked” or “Road Trip” rip-off.
So, how about Kerry’s veep?
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The selection of the vice-presidential candidate is always a carefully planned, critical move. The vice-president will hopefully fill in weaknesses on any party’s ticket.
Van’s Warped Tour finds itself caught in awkward teen stage
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NOFX may have headlined Van’s Warped Tour on July 3, but the show was far from theirs. This year, Warped Tour was taken over by an angry group of broken hearted teens who can scream really loud.
Soda, pop and red states
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Well I’m sure you’ve had the argument with somebody. “What do you call a ‘soda’ or ‘coke’ or ‘pop’ from where you’re from?
The summer of bad poetry
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This is the time of year when The Daily is filled with ramblings from nostalgic seniors, all of which seem to include the words: “man, does time fly” and “Why, it seemed like it was just the other day .
White lions and the undead
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Well, it’s time for another edition of “Really Bad Ideas” in action. With “Friends” and “Fraiser” departed from television, panic has struck the TV-watching populace.
Still waiting at 680 Lomita
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I’d like to tell you how awesome Exotic Erotic was this weekend. I’d like to offer my usual snide comments mixed with ludicrous suggestions.
Mountain lion has spring fever
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The current strain of mountain lion attacks near the Dish is frightening a lot of people. Our horses are being attacked, and with gas prices being so high, the mountain lion is striking at our best means of transportation.
Daily ‘endorses’ Chris Holt
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There are many slates running this year, and many of them very well qualified. Historically, The Daily’s editorial staff has supported an insider in the ASSU for the executive slate.
A creative environmental policy
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Since last Thursday was Earth Day, I thought it would be appropriate to reflect on our president’s environmental policy.
How to make sure the admits choose Stanford
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With admit weekend looming on the horizon, I’ve been thinking of some creative ways to capture the attention of the Class of 2008.
I am not a marine mammal
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After filing a lawsuit against Chris Holt, my lawyers negotiated this column to rectify the gross accusations Mr. Holt as levied against me.
Spring break with Sting
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Tijuana: the only place I know that has fewer laws than Nevada. According to legend, you can buy anything there, do anything you want and are surrounded by millions of beautiful college students, all wearing sombreros.
Our fine nation of . . . blonghds
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News tends to pile up at The Daily during the ten-day span of spring break. Two weeks ago, Martha Stewart was convicted.
Thefacebook.com’s darker side
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Like so many among you, I have been caught up in this thefacebook.com craze. After all, it’s the only thing that’s spreading faster than mono at last week’s Jell-O bash.
Why I can’t give tours anymore
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I used to give visitors tours of our fine University. I used to guide prospective students and their parents around this beautiful campus, revealing to them the thrills and opportunities available at Stanford.
Make Viennese Ball more killer
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Well, from the department of really bad ideas, here’s one for how to get more funding for the Viennese Ball. I hear the event could use some dough, and since I’ve been playing nothing but “Assassins” all week with my dorm, I got to thinking.
Warning: Seek love advice elsewhere
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As a columnist, I’m bound by law to write about Valentine’s Day. It’s like how stand up comedians right now are required to make jokes about Janet Jackson’s bouncing breasts.
It’s not the Sixth Man Club’s fault
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A lot of things have been said about the Sixth Man Club lately. The Daily’s editors, in their infinite wisdom, decided to hire a third party moderator.
Ballet dancer wins film award
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While I usually love to get my ideas for columns from my own twisted mind, a friend of mine offered me a possible column idea the other day.
Bush’s new target: ‘Ares of Evil’
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I have to disagree with Friday’s editorial (“Mars mission has us seeing red,” Jan. 16). It is imperative that President Bush spend oodles of taxpayers’ money on a mission to Mars.
My fling with Sen. John Kerry
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It began when he rode into my life in the passenger seat of a gray minivan one sunny December afternoon. It ended with us 3,000 miles apart, him mumbling apologies.
If only he could redefine ‘layover’
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I was going to begin this column with a long string of curses (such as poppycock, or cor blimey!
The lighter side of the punk scene
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Last Friday, I went to a punk concert in San Francisco. I was with my buddy Andrew Nielsen, who, if you are unfamiliar, is a regular music guru down at KZSU.
How a good slasher flick can be made from ice cream and a boring Halloween
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I hate slasher flicks. You know, those really gruesome movies where everyone gets killed in a ridiculous and hideous way.
Fuzzies forgotten at CDC career fair
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Careers: Not just for techies anymore? I concur with The Daily’s recent editorial (“CDC should help out fuzzies more,” Oct. 17), as there were more than a few fuzzies that felt left out at last week’s career fair.