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NewsvineMothers deserve a lot, don’t they? Most of them cook, clean, clean after you, cook for you...and your father, etc. In short, they’re a hardworking bunch, well deserving of serious son-and-daughter appreciation. I’m sure many of us can attest to the fact that it is probably our mothers’ selflessness that helped us get into Stanford. You know, all that nurturing and stuff. Coming home after a hard day at school to the smell of grilled cheese and sweet things, getting a loving kiss on the cheek, perhaps even a running bath waiting for you. (Hey, some people have it made.) In any case, show your mother just how much she means to you with these totally awesome, original gifts.
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A Season Pass to Six Flags Great America
You’re damn right. No more spas, massages, and cliché getaways. Your mother has spent the last 18 to 22 years slaving away after you, your lazy siblings and your even lazier father. Now is time for some fun — none of that silly relaxation stuff you read in “women’s” magazines like “Marie Claire” and “Cosmopolitan.” There’s a pretty good chance your Mom’s youth ended a while ago, but don’t remind her and send her into a mid-life crisis with some prototypical spa treatment.
“Queer as Folk: The Complete Series”
Just what the doctor ordered: hot steamy man sex. You heard me. Hot steamy man sex, not to mention all the rippling, muscled bodies strutting across the screen. Men shouldn’t be the only ones to have all the fun. Surprise your Mom with this raunchy Showtime feature about five horny gay men living in Pittsburgh — though their definition of “living” is quite different from ours. Like, “living” as in “go clubbing and screw the first hard-body you see.” Ain’t nothin’ wrong with that.
A Visa Gift Card
Sounds so innocuous, doesn’t it? Your mother will definitely love this one for the freedom it offers. These things can be taken anywhere. Hand it over to her and watch her crack a huge, mischievous grin. Don’t ask her where she’s going to use it. There are some things about your mother that you just shouldn’t know.
“Ride the Lightning” by Metallica
I would guess that your Mom doesn’t exactly listen to the best music. By “best,” I mean the hardest rockin’. If so, check your bank account, make sure you’ve got at least 10 dollars, open up iTunes and download what is, arguably, Metallica’s magnum opus (or “Master of Puppets” — whatever). This is for when your Dad starts getting annoying, and all she wants to do is drown out his incessant whining. Double-click “Fight Fire with Fire,” turn it up to nine (Metallica doesn’t even have to go up to 11; they’re that damn good), and start headbanging. It’s quite therapeutic — cures depression, you know.
If you’ve got the cash...one of those remote-controlled massage chairs
This is totally better than a manual massage. Now that she has one of these in her living room, she (and you for future Mother’s Days) doesn’t have to worry about dropping serious bucks on a masseuse trip. You pay one large sum for the chair, and there you have it: a permanent place for repose right in front of the TV — for when she’s watching “Queer as Folk.”
And Best of All...
Whatever it is she wants (a.k.a. I can’t think of anything else she would want)
And neither can you sometimes. So to stay on the safe side, why not just let your Mom decide what’s going to happen on Mother’s Day? This would certainly take the burden off of you, and I’m sure she would appreciate your willingness to do or buy whatever makes her happy. Imagine, she would probably be thinking, “Oh, how sweet! My little baby is so charming and considerate!” (Read between the lines: lazy little bastard...)
Now, take some time to think this all over. Don’t be too hasty now. Mother’s Day should be perfect, more or less, so be sure to put as much effort into it as possible. And remember: no...wire...hangers...