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NewsvineI feel like people talk a lot about sex these days. “I like to do sex,” people will say, and they mean it! Sometimes they’ll even ask if you would like to do sex (“Would you like to do sex?”), and you’d better say yes, because hoo boy — sex is great! I should know, because it seems like I’m pretty much always doing sex, even when I don’t mean to.
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I remember the first time I did what you would probably call sex. I was just a kid and, tell you the truth, I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. Sure, I’d heard about sex and about doing it, because it’s all over the TV (sex is), but I didn’t know the mechanics of it or anything. Still, I knew that it was something important, so I took my cap, headed out back and started practicing. Of course, back then I hadn’t heard about all the equipment I needed or anything. All I had was a catcher’s mitt and the old tire swing my dad had set up in the old apple tree. Like I said — just a kid! But I said to myself, “I’m going to go ahead and do sex.”
I’m not going to tell you that I got it right away. Not at all! No, I was way, way off when I first started. I remember on my third try I even spun out of control and slammed my head into my house’s vinyl siding. I guess I didn’t think sex seemed so great when my nose was bleeding! And, later on, the neighbor’s dog started chasing me around and barking, which really screwed up my concentration. They had a little dachshund named Marco that was always crawling under the fence and yapping at us kids.
If I remember right, I didn’t even get to first base that afternoon, which was pretty frustrating. I mean, all that work for nothing. But I didn’t give up, no sir. I headed inside for a cookie and came back out with a new sense of purpose. I was ready for action — sex action. I sat myself down and said, “Max: you’re going to do some sex right now.” And, wouldn’t you know? I did! I planted my feet and closed my eyes and threw a rock at Marco, and I did sex! Starting right at first base, I went all the way through the numbers, in order.
These days, I’d probably say I do sex more than anyone else I know. I mean, it even gets hard to keep track after a while. I’ll just wake up, get out of bed, trip over my cat, and suddenly I’m doing sex — without even trying! I’ll head out for a jog and do a little sex on the way. I’ll do a little sex while I’m waiting for the elevator. It’s an instinct at this point, like tennis.
If you asked what my favorite sex was, I’d have to point to the Santa Cruz boardwalk, June 2002, right in front of that Giant Dipper rollercoaster. I’d been getting a lot of practice at that point, so my reflexes were pretty good, but the best part was that I had a cheeseburger in each hand. Two cheeseburgers! That was both delicious and sexy.
I don’t want to make you feel bad if you’re doing less sex than me (although you are), because that’s not the issue here. I’d say it’s about the quality of the sex, not the amount. If you’re only doing it 50 times a day, that’s nothing to feel bad about. Once you get it in your muscle memory, your numbers will ramp up.
My most important piece of advice would be to practice. Don’t be embarrassed about touching up your technique in public — everyone does it. If we didn’t do sex, we probably wouldn’t have some of our greatest cultural achievements. Hockey, for instance. Where do you think hockey comes from? Or the lampshade?
If you still don’t believe me, I just have one last thing for you. Look around you. Maybe you see somebody just sitting there. Wait — look at him closely. Guess what? He might be doing sex right now! In fact, he almost definitely is. I would be.