OH-TWELVE! ONE-TWO! Foxy’s only been at Stanford for one night of Admit Weekend, and she’s already confused. Fortunately, she is not confused about all the glorious times that await her on the Farm next fall when she joins big sis Roxy as the second Sass in the Cardinal family. Everyone knows that college and sex go together like peanut butter and jelly — just as sticky, and just as delicious! Of course, Foxy doesn’t exactly know yet, being a humble ProFro and all. But, hey, it’s only Friday, right? And after that, four glorious years of having more wonderful choices than the salad bar in Wilbur. Wilbur has a salad bar, right? Whatever.

Foxy can hardly contain her excitement. The greatest promise that Stanford has to offer is that brains are no longer an obstacle to having a little fun with that hottie you see in class. In high school, the sad truth is that most of your peers are too scared by what you’ve got upstairs to check out what’s downstairs — unless, of course, you go to a high school that shares a football field with Cal Tech or something. The mind may be the most powerful sex organ, but that memo has yet to reach most 14-18 year olds. In college, everyone is older and wiser — AND the admissions office has thoughtfully brought all of the sexy smart people into one fabulous place! When you check someone out across the Quad, you know that not only do they look that good, they can probably write you a ballad, build you a rocket or teach you how to hack your sister’s email account undetected. It’s so much hotter, brainy-style.

The atmosphere of college life doesn’t hurt, either. No more parents means no more being restricted to messing around in the back seat of cars, which is limiting and can result in awkward confrontations with parking lot security officers. Ahem, sorry about that, sir. Yeah dorm rooms! In college, you don’t have to wake up for 7:30 a.m. classes — and you don’t have to wake up before noon, either, because no one takes attendance! All of this leaves much more time for late-night entertainment. And Foxy’s not talking about those smoothies at Stern that she’s heard so much about.

Campus life seems oriented toward inducing lust. Instead of gym class, in which everyone is forced to change into stinky uniforms mid-day to play some unheard-of game like “Jolly Ball,” there’s a real gym full of people sexily intent on improving their fine bodies. Studying in swimsuits while lying on the grass by the library is de rigeur. In class, fiery-hot intellectual arguments break out between ideological foes that leads to late-night coffees over group projects. Rrrrrrrrowr.

Of course, there are some potential downsides to sex in college, things that Foxy will have plenty of time to worry about as she sits through the meaninglessness of class in high school after the AP tests are over. For example, the fact that dorm rooms, despite all their promise for youthful romps, are not ventilated, and Foxy has smelled what Roxy’s room smells like in the morning. Phew. For the cost of housing, can’t a girl get some AC?

Another potential downside is that when sex is all around you, it can be easy to get lazy about it. Foxy hopes that even if she no longer has to get creative about inventing curfew violation excuses, she’ll still keep those creative juices flowing. The biggest no-no is falling into the boring booze-it-up and get-it-on pattern. A girl wants to have a time she’d like to remember in the morning. And if she does, a girl would like to remember it!

On a serious note, life in college means acting a little more grown-up, meaning more than just doing your own laundry. Sex in college can come with consequences that sound far away when you’re sitting in health class but become real and scary when you see them close up. Foxy hopes that all her fellow ProFros — and future Stanfordmates — are savvy about acting like responsible non-idiots.

Apart from the nagging little concerns, though, Foxy couldn’t be more jazzed about her collegiate life to come. Student athletes, TAs, floormates, in the library, in the steam tunnels, under the Dish — Foxy is getting all revved up already. See you in the fall — and, until then, Foxy’s got some Admit Weekend parties to scour for future “friends.”