Why women, indeed? People ask themselves this question every night all around the world. In America, in Britain — maybe even in Russia, although who can tell when they talk like that?

Why women? The answer is, of course, science. But some people aren’t satisfied with that. These people are stupid, but when I try and explain this to them (that they are stupid), they like to use words like “vague” and “unhelpful.” Well, I can say words, too. “Hexagonally.” Does that make me better than them? Yes, because my word has more syllables.

But they do raise a good point. Are there other whys we should be looking at? Hows? Maybe some what ifs? This is something we too often overlook. Just the other day I thought to myself, “What if I dropped my computer out the window?” And, earlier on, “What if I called my roommate’s computer my computer?” This sort of thinking opens up all sorts of possibilities, and, it turns out, lawsuits.

So, what if women? Or, more interestingly, what if not women? Think about it — imagine all of the important woman-related culture that would be man-related culture if women didn’t exist. For instance, Aretha Franklin would be named Earl Hoskins. Earrings would be less popular. The dollar would probably still be weak. If this is disturbing, I’m sorry, but that’s just the way it is. Plus, your mom would be a guy.

Another interesting difference in a womanless world would be the status of toothpaste. Right now, toothpaste comes in tubes, or, after we cut open the tube in order to see if there is a prize inside, in little Ziploc plastic baggies that we keep in the fridge. If there were no women, would it maybe come in a can, or a box? Would they actually put a prize in this time, like one would expect? It’s hard to tell. That is the mystery of women.

Reproduction would also be different, probably.

Beyond these sorts of hypotheticals, there remains the question of what causes women. Whence women? Here, we’re really delving into some pretty controversial theories — some people might say they come from the ocean. Others would say the sea. Still others would say the sea, too, but would say it differently, maybe more like “thee,” because they have a speech impediment or are eating a sandwich.

Another popular theory has to do with “evolution.” This makes a lot of sense to me, personally, because you can see evolution all the time when you look at things closely and are drunk. One time, I was so drunk that I myself evolved all over this guy’s Persian rug.

Women like to see evolution because it reminds them of where they came from. At that same party, this one woman was so excited to see me that she started yelling all sorts of things and waving her arms, which is when I covered my junk back up with a potted plant.

The point is that there is no real consensus on the exact nature of feminine origins, not even among women. When you ask one where she’s from, she’ll say, “Waukegan.” But if you ask a second one, she’ll say “Santa Cruz.” And then if you ask the first one again, she’ll look at you funny, especially if you haven’t dressed her wound yet.

The one thing I think we can say about women is that they are pretty important. They’re almost everywhere these days: you can see them in their offices, at home with their kids, in the bedroom with their new boyfriend — sometimes they’re even pulling into their driveways just as you’re going through their trash.

So, we could maybe ask ourselves, “Is ‘why women?’ the right question in the first place?” Maybe we men should be looking at ourselves and asking, ‘Why us?’ Maybe men should be more conscious of their own issues before they begin making broad generalizations about the other gender. But then you think about it and you realize: that’s just stupid. And then maybe you go laugh at a woman or something, to make her think about herself.

I would like to thank the National Organization of Women for having me speak here today. I’ll be in the lobby after the reception to answer questions and sign boobs.