This week, in honor of International Women’s Day, Bracketology celebrates the lives of 16 global icons who also happen to have two x-chromosomes and ovaries. But which of these competitors helped womankind the most? Who had the greatest impact world history? And, perhaps most importantly — if they were all contestants on The Bachelor, which one would I choose? Let the war for some roses begin!

SWEET SIXTEEN

1. Oprah Winfrey vs. 16. Eve

This one’s closer than you think. Oprah has amassed a larger empire than Alexander the Great, but she used to date Roger Ebert (seriously). On the other hand, Eve gets points for being the world’s first woman, but eating that forbidden fruit effectively justified misogyny for thousands of years. What to do?! Ah screw it, let’s just go with the commencement speaker.

EDGE: Oprah.

8. Susan B. Anthony vs. 9. Sacagawea

Susie B. blazed political trails. Sacagawea blazed physical trails. But really, this match-up comes down to one essential question: whose dollar coin sucks less?

EDGE: Sacagawea.

5. Cleopatra vs. 12. Carmen Sandiego

I don’t want this to sound weird, but does it get any sexier than Carmen Sandiego? She’s so saucy. I’d totally steal the Hope Diamond for her if it meant getting a peek under that red fedora. And Cleopatra, despite comin’ at ya, is totally overrated. Carmen steals a 12-5 upset.

EDGE: Carmen.

4. Amelia Earhart vs. 13. Sappho

Both women gave us important firsts. Amelia was the first female to fly solo across the Atlantic, whereas Sappho basically wrote the first porn. Again, closer than you might think. I’ll take the aviatrix over the dominatrix.

EDGE: Earhart.

3. Catherine the Great vs. 14. Mulan

Mulan will kill you, but Catherine the Great will have an affair with you and then kill you. Talk about mysterious as the dark side of the moon.

EDGE: Catherine.

6. Hillary Clinton vs. 11. Eleanor Roosevelt

After Tuesday’s big wins, Hillary is so hot right now. Hillary. But I can’t help but feel like she’s stealing Eleanor’s shtick. Eleanor pulled off the whole being-a-politically-active-first-lady-while-your-husband-philanders thing back in the ‘30s and ‘40s. And that was before it was cool for girls to have short hair.

EDGE: Anna Eleanor Roosevelt Roosevelt. (That’s her full name. Badass.)

7. Joan of Arc vs. 10. Marie Antoinette

Would anyone ever make a lame movie about Joan of Arc featuring an anachronistic indie soundtrack? No, of course not. She was way too fierce. Joan destroyed England by herself, which Napoleon, Hitler and even Voldemort couldn’t do.

EDGE: Joan.

2. Queen Elizabeth I vs. 15. Lucy

I actually saw Lucy at a museum recently, and, for a 3.2 million-year-old Australopithecus, she’s looking pretty good. I’d say 7/10. But she doesn’t stand much of a chance against Queen Elizabeth, who beat the Spanish armada and gets an Oscar-winning movie made about her every year. I hope Lucy doesn’t take the rejection too hard. I think we can still be friends.

EDGE: Elizabeth.

ELITE EIGHT

1. Oprah vs. 9. Sacagawea

Oprah got so rich she actually forgot how to pump gas. Meanwhile, Sacagawea served as Lewis and Clark’s GPS system for three years. Knowledge is power.

EDGE: Sacagawea

12. Carmen Sandiego vs. 4. Amelia Earhart

A showdown of two perpetually missing women. But Carmen can’t escape the dreams of all those guys with crushes on her! (I can’t be the only one, right?)

EDGE: Carmen.

3. Catherine the Great vs. 11. Eleanor Roosevelt

Catherine just chilled in huge palaces, ordering executions and eating borscht and stuff. That’s the life for me.

EDGE: Catherine.

7. Joan of Arc vs. 2. Queen Elizabeth I

Who won the Hundred Years’ War again? That’s right. France. Suck it, Brits.

EDGE: Joan.

FINAL FOUR

9. Sacagawea vs. 12. Carmen Sandiego

I actually saw Carmen Sandiego in Finland this summer. True story. She was probably stealing the Aurora Borealis or something. If that’s not the sign of a true international woman, I don’t know what is. And Sacagawea never works in the vending machines here.

EDGE: Carmen.

3. Catherine the Great vs. 7. Joan of Arc

Joan of Arc was executed for her beliefs, which is definitely honorable. But Catherine is rumored to have died either on the toilet or trying to seduce a horse! I don’t even care if that was just someone trying to mess with me on Wikipedia — I’m still impressed!

EDGE: Catherine.

CHAMPIONSHIP

12. Carmen Sandiego vs. 3. Catherine the Great

Fun fact: Russia is the only country that actually cares about International Women’s Day. Therefore, Catherine gets the benefit of some hometown officiating, but Carmen sneaks away with the Kremlin. A victory for both sides.

CHAMP: Catherine. MVP: Insatiability.