Before we start, I’d like to quell a vicious rumor that my personal editor has been spreading: I have never used performance enhancing steroids, developmental boosters or bovine growth hormones to write my columns. The humor you find herein is the result of natural moxie, childhood trauma and vanilla soymilk.

Moving on. Those of you who accidentally glanced at the international paragraph of The Daily on your way to my column may have noticed that acclaimed director Steven Spielberg has decided to resign as “artistic adviser” for the 2008 Olympics in Beijing. In explaining his premature withdrawal, he accused China of not doing enough to end the continuing human suffering in the troubled western Darfur region and claimed that his conscience would not allow him to continue with “business as usual.”

Now, it’s no secret that China and I haven’t always agreed on policy matters. On the one hand, I was a big fan of the Great Wall, as I firmly believe that the best way to solve foreign policy problems is to erect large brick barriers. The Cultural Revolution didn’t appeal to me as much, though I think the real problem — like McCain might say about Iraq — was not the principle but the execution(s). As for the Great Leap Forward, let’s just say that I prefer to keep both feet squarely on the ground at all times.

Historically, I’ve seen eye-to-eye with Spielberg a bit more. His classic “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade” showed us that, when approached from the right angle, neocolonialism can be fun and really exciting, and I think that the take-home message of his epic “Saving Private Ryan” was that war ought to be a first resort in resolving any type of dispute. Then again, I think he swung and missed when Marty McFly made out with his mom in his biopic “Back to the Future.” I mean, I wouldn’t kick Lea Thompson out of bed for eating crackers, but I would if I were her son. Probably.

Why did Spielberg’s conscience force him out of the Middle Kingdom? Let’s start with the facts: Fighting between government-backed Janjawed militia and rebels in Darfur has killed more than 200,000 people and left an estimated 2.5 million displaced since 2003. China imports 500,000 barrels of Sudanese oil a day and supplies weapons to the Sudanese government that often find their way into the militia’s hands. Chinese leaders have generally resisted the use of international pressure to intervene in Darfur, going so far as to use its Security Council veto to block the imposition of sanctions on Sudan. This — according to policy wonks like Uma Thurman, M.D./Ph.D. in post-conflict resolution, and Spielberg, G.E.D./Yoga Instructor’s Certificate — makes China complicit in the killing that has devastated the region.

Though it strongly condemns the interference in the affairs of other sovereign nations, China has not been deaf to such charges, especially in advance of this summer’s Olympic festivities. Western diplomats credit the nation with helping to persuade Sudan to accept a U.N. peacekeeping mission, and China has supported a hybrid African Union/United Nations force to patrol the region. And it’s rumored that after the summer games, Chinese government officials will deploy Olympic mascots Beibei, Jingjing and Nini to spread friendship and peace throughout all of Africa.

So, did Spielberg do the right thing? To be honest, more than anything else, I wonder why he signed on to the project in the first place. Hey Stevo, China’s involvement in Africa is nothing new; when did you decide to grow a pair? A little due diligence goes a long way, buddy.

Moreover, although it’s undeniable that we should all do as much as we can to stop genocide, isn’t it also possible that drastic action on the part of China might destabilize the region even more? And don’t sanctions have a thoroughly mixed record of promoting positive outcomes? (See especially: Iraq)

Although this is an opinion column, I must admit that I can’t offer a firm one without more answers. Regardless of how cute and inspiring “E.T.” was, I think you should be skeptical of anyone who claims he can.

If you want to hang out with Beibei, Jingjing and Nini, go to vishnus@stanford.edu.