I’ve never been dumped. Sure, I’ve dumped a lot of girls in my day, but never have I been on the receiving end. Why is this, you ask? Why can the ladies never bring themselves to walk out that door no matter how long it’s been since I last called? Because girls love my playlists. You see, even if, in the distant future, some girl goes against her own rational self-interest and tries to leave me, I am prepared. I will just nonchalantly play some music from my ‘80s-style boom box outside of her window, and she’ll come rushing back into my arms, sobbing tears of shame and joy. It’s that simple.

Here is a list of songs that no guy should be without, just in case they have to avert a break-up at the last second.

“I’d Rather Dance With You” — Kings of Convenience: This song has it all: pop violins, stiff cadence, Norwegian accents and the right attitude toward romance. Its message is dead-on, and not too distant from my own: guys talk too much and act too little. But not these guys — these Kings are hip-shaking men of action! They don’t want to chat because that’s lame and common. They just want to groove and let their bodies communicate.

Consider this bit of seductive musing: “Even if I could hear what you said/ I doubt my reply would be interesting for you to hear/ Because I haven’t read a single book on you/ I’d rather dance than talk with you.” So, guys, your girlfriend tries to leave you? Take control and dance your way back into her heart.

“Iron Man” — Black Sabbath: This classic slice of stoner rock is a lover’s dream. Throbbing with distortion, moving at the pace of Birmingham industrial sludge and telling some story about a giant robot, “Iron Man” should be the song that everybody plays at their weddings as the bride walks down the aisle. A must-have for any potentially romantic occasion.

“Straight Down” — The Glands: The Glands were a good band from the late 1990s that never got their proper due. But they did know romance. This song shouts loud and clear one fact and one fact alone: Confusion is the essence of attraction. Maintain ambiguity and mystery, guys, and soon you’ll be fending off the chicks. The Glands are great at confusing people. In this 2000 indie rock song, they utter these immortal words: “See a lady with the poodle/ It’s the color of tomato/ In a bad way.” You get it now? No? Exactly.

The Thundercats theme song: “Hear the magic/ Hear the roar.” Need I say more?

“The Electric Slide” — Marcia Griffiths and Bunny Wailer: Some of my most romantic memories are from my middle school dances doing The Electric Slide. The way that your feet slide across the floor, the way that a girl’s hair looks as she slides to the left and claps her hands. If you play this track, the girl can only do one thing: what the song tells her to do.

“This is Hardcore” — Pulp: This song is a little sleazy, a little disturbing and thoroughly awesome: kind of like the perfect relationship. Pulp builds this song around a menacing horn-line and some monster drums. Just don’t pay too close attention to the lyrics, and you’ll love this track.

Live in fear no more, guys. Once you have compiled this playlist, no girl would ever dare leave you. No matter how much you tease her, forget to call her, take her out on cheap dates or generally neglect the romantic side of life, you will always this secret weapon to fall back on.