America is feeling mighty belligerent these days, currently at war with Iraq and Afghanistan, with another 10 countries pinned up on the hit-list. We are also at war economically, vying for supremacy with rising powers like China, India and that perennial economic dark horse Canada, whose currency rivals if not surpasses the beautiful American dollar. You know America is in the shits when you can’t freely interchange Canadian currency for toilet paper.

In order to emerge victorious from the coming battles, America must not only dominate the enemy physically, but intellectually as well. And the best way to do that is to school our kids right. You look at the educational system today and it’s a mess: the youth are engaged in tomfoolery, hanky panky and general shamdoozlin... anything but learning. Can’t say I blame ‘em — it’s tough to develop an intellectual appetite with the dry and flavorless material you’re fed in school.

Well, this columnist has a solution: combining youth energy with palatable, approachable subject material that the kids can relate to and respect. In my system, popular music would be the main curricular component. That’s right — if the youth are willing to memorize the lyrics from every Snoop Dogg song, and pay $200 for his concerts, why not channel that enthusiasm into learning?

Desks would be replaced with beanbags and comfy couches. Instead of buying textbooks, we would get MP3s and big-ass speakers to blast ‘em. Teachers would get certification in the general qualities of being tight, cool, ill, sick, dope or down. Stuffy, self-important honor codes would be replaced with snappy mottos like “Don’t playa hate, participate.”

The curriculum would be rigorous but enjoyable. Math would be taught by Lil’ Jon: “3-6-9, damn you fine.” Q-tip would handle ecology: “My style is kinda phat, reminiscent of a whale.” The kids would be instilled with entrepreneurial ambition by Warren G: “I want it all — money, fast cars, diamond rings, gold chains and champagne, shit, every damn thang.”

American history would be extensively covered by Too Short: “What? He said what? The president did what? Aw man, that’s, that’s all good baby. He got rid of the playa haters too? Aw man, we gotta declare this a national holiday, we goin to call this, Playa’s holiday!”

Instead of bothering with Shakespeare, kids would study Tupac to understand drama and complex characters. Tupac can be a kind man in one song: “Baby don’t cry, gotta keep yo head up, even when the road is hard, don’t give up,” and an angry man in another: “Kill all of yall’ motherf*@&%#$ FU&% you die SLOW motherf*@&%#$.”

Although this curriculum might nuance chemistry to have an undue focus on narcotics, at least sexual education would be top-notch. Girls would learn from TLC, “No, I don’t want no scrubs, a scrub is a guy who can’t get no love from me.” Ying Yang Twins “Wait” would teach guys about their changing bodies and mentalities. Don’t forget Kanye West’s “New Workout Plan” for a thorough physical education.

This is an educational system where the youth wouldn’t waste time deconstructing pansy poetry, trying to uncover elusive things like iambic pentameter. We’d feel the iambic-ness from the magic that is A Tribe Called Quest. Why bother the kids with trigonometry when they can learn to “keep the hoes in check?” Yessir, this system ought to set our country back on track. Then we can rest easy knowing that America will keep “crushin’ competition like Italians on grapes.”

Can you find any other educational gems hidden in today's top 40? Email Ziv at zivs "at" stanford.edu.