“In matters of taste,” English playwright and sodomite extraordinaire Oscar Wilde once remarked, “it is idle to dispute.” Wilde was right. In matters of taste, always subject yourself to someone who is more tasteful than you are — in this case, me. Or you risk being deported by the fashion police. (Unless you’re already an illegal immigrant, in which case you risk being deported by, well, the police.) Here are six styles to avoid, on pain of death or public humiliation. The latter you inflict on yourself, the former is inflicted upon you by the fashion Nazis, if and when they see you.

The American Apparel Look (tm)

What could be more pretentious than trying to look like you just don’t care? Paying 30 bucks a top just so you can look like you just don’t care. Guys: The skinny-jeans-and-hoodie look is only worn by gay men struggling to come out of the closet. Girls: Everyone and I repeat everyone has thought of the leggings-plus-anything combination. How about actually wearing something that doesn’t say: “I bought this from American Apparel, I’m so cool and alternative.” Consider, for example, a constructed parka to keep you from the cold. Just make sure it’s in a solid print (how about tweed? Or tartan?), to show that you’ve got that tinge of European sensibility.

Colorful Rainwear

Come off it. You’re not a three year old anymore, so please dress your age. Wearing a Technicolor raincoat is ridiculous. Wearing a pair of striped rainboots just screams: “I’m a sucker for GAP clothes even though they’re poorly designed and poorly made.” Please. Those in the know never have to resort to such silly means of attracting attention. If you really want to show that you’re a savant, I suggest a simple pair of rainboots in black or a deep shade of earthy brown, lined with something luxurious, like Merino wool. Uggs need not apply.

Cropped Jackets

Girls, girls, girls. We know that this look is so in now, right? Wrong. Just because Forever 21 is making clothes in a certain style does not mean, as a rule of thumb, that you should buy into it. Or even buy it. As a general guideline, Forever 21 is usually about three or four seasons behind the times. In this case, cropped jackets (and the trompe l’oeil silhouette that we all love but should not attempt to pull off) was revived by Nicolas Ghesquière at the house of Balenciaga in fall 2006. You need to stop it right now and move on with your life. There are better was to keep warm, and you can’t go wrong with a simple jacket that fits your body snugly. A six-foot-tall supermodel you are not. Behave like a normal human being. Unless you are a six-foot-tall supermodel, in which case you can do anything you want.

The Varsity Sports Look

Guys. Girls. If you resemble someone who’s just stumbled out of bed and straight into practice at three in the afternoon, you’ve got it wrong. So incredibly wrong. You need to drag your sweatpants-ed ass back into your room, brush your hair, brush your teeth and get your act together. It isn’t even hard, you know? Swop those baggy sweats for a pair of jeans, and put on a sweatshirt that doesn’t say “Stanford.” No one really cares about where you’re going to college. And, oh, people don’t really respect you that much for being an athlete, much less for looking like one.

Dressing in Bermudas and T-shirts

We get it. You’re a macho mary. We get it. Now turn around, head back to your room and actually put on some clothes. It’s winter, so act like it’s winter. It’s an opportunity for Californians — or those who live in NorCal, at least — to actually show off the warm wear that has to go into hiding the rest of the year. Stop pretending that it isn’t cold, just because you’re “in California.” Last I checked, the weather was 50 out and it hadn’t stopped raining in a week. Isn’t that a great excuse to layer? Guys, repeat after me: Pants, top, sweater, coat, I’ll stop looking like a goat. Girls, the array of options available to you, so shame on you if you just look as sloppy as a gaping...well, shame on you.

Conspicuous Consumption

You can’t help but think to yourself, “I’ve got the money, why not spend it on something expensive?” And you wouldn’t be wrong. There’s nothing wrong with treating yourself to a little (or a lot of) something. What’s wrong is thinking that wearing something branded somehow makes you stylish. And so you load yourself with a bag from LV, jeans that look like they’re from Energie, Dior sunglasses (even though there’s not much sun in winter) and a Burberry coat. Which would be okay, except that you look like one of those nouveau rich China dolls who wear too much makeup. Which is not becoming. That means you, silly girl in my IHUM class. Stop being so overblung. If you’re rich, you should spend your wealth in other more tasteful ways.