Comrades. You may remember a time in the long, bloodied annals of history when this Unified People’s Periodical of Intermission was led by three leaders in perfect accord. Well, citizens, times have changed. As of today, Intermission emerges as a single-party state, and, as dictator, I vow to lead our people to the glorious future — more than likely through a series of grim, gore-spattered skirmishes punctuated with long winter retreats through the frozen Russian countryside. Or chilly winter-quarter 5-SURE rides through the SlavDom parking lot.

Unlike in Stalin’s time, the exile of my former colleagues was swift and icepick-free. Commissar Nuh-tall-ee escaped in an empty train car in the dead of night; she is currently attempting to rally support among other disenfranchised Intermission Party members by writing a column that will appear in The Daily on Mondays.

Secretariate Natalie retreated to the East (campus, that is), where she serves as a beloved cultural leader in Cedroistan, a defecting republic that some dissidents have referred to as “awesome.”

The party will never forget their venerable, irreplaceable tenure: the late nights of service, the innovations in gummi bear launching technology, the imprisonment of male peasants in aquariums. And for these things I would like to thank them with my whole heart, but cannot, because as Stalin said: “Gratitude is a sickness suffered by dogs.”

To the revolution, gentlemen! Onward!

— General Secretary Kat