It’s Dictator Week here at Intermission, and there’s no better way to remember some of history’s most frightening despots than by pitting them against each other, March Madness-style! In this inaugural edition of “Bracketology,” real and fictional tyrants from every corner of the globe will compete on the basis of pure evil, fear-inducing ability and my arbitrary thoughts. Of course, the bracket is blank, so feel free to make your own picks. Just remember, upsets and Cinderella stories are absolutely necessary — anything else would be, as our #4 seed would say, thoughtcrime.

SWEET SIXTEEN

1. Adolf Hitler vs. 16. Yertle the Turtle

Fun fact: Dr. Seuss originally drew Yertle with a Nazi uniform and a Hitler moustache. (All right, maybe not the funnest of facts.) Regardless, a stack of turtles just can’t match up with actual devastation and destruction. EDGE: Hitler.

8. Julius Caesar vs. 9. Fidel Castro

The Battle of the Benevolents! This one comes down to mortality: Julius got assassinated just one month after being declared dictator. And Fidel? He just. Won’t. Die. EDGE: Castro.

5. Lord Voldemort vs. 12. Augusto Pinochet

Pinochet, Chile’s oppressive leader, once said, “Sometimes democracy must be bathed in blood.” So he’s petrifying. But Voldemort doesn’t have a nose. Avada Kedavra, Augusto. EDGE: Voldemort.

4. Big Brother vs. 13. Idi Amin

Uganda’s General Idi Amin was actually nicknamed “The Strangler.” But here’s the case for Big Brother: he inspired a reality show, he changed 2+2 forever, and he makes you love him no matter what. How ungood of him. EDGE: Big Bro.

3. Mao Zedong vs. 14. Benito Mussolini

Mussolini is the O.G. of fascism — he even has a cool gangsta nickname (“Il Duce” — or rather, “Ill Duce”), yet he’s largely irrelevant now. On the other hand, some people still worship Chairman Mao in temples. As Britney might say, “Gimme Mao.” EDGE: Mao.

6. Kim Jong-il vs. 11. Saddam Hussein

Saddam, the Alvin to the Axis of Evil’s Chipmunks, is certainly a compelling choice. But listen to some of these names that the North Korean press uses to refer to Kim Jong-il: “Supreme Commander at the Forefront of the Struggle Against Imperialism and the United States.” “Master of the Computer Who Surprised the World.” “Present-Day God.” And my personal favorite, “Eternal Bosom of Hot Love.” EDGE: Kim Jong-il.

7. Vladimir Lenin vs. 10. Pol Pot

Pol Pot — a.k.a “Brother Number One” — literally reset the Cambodian calendar to “Year Zero.” No offense to Lenin and his bloody revolution, but yeesh. EDGE: Pol Pot.

2. Josef Stalin vs. Jafaar

Jafaar ruled Aggrabah with an iron fist and he had genie powers. But Stalin a) is widely considered the most brutal dictator of the 20th century, b) smiled creepily in the process and c) would have sealed the deal with Jasmine. EDGE: Stalin.

ELITE EIGHT

1. Hitler vs. 9. Castro

Hitler took his own life in a bunker. Castro may never die. EDGE: Castro in the upset!

5. Voldemort vs. 4. Big Brother

(SPOILER!) I’ll take the guy who wasn’t reduced to a shivering pile of wussiness at the end of the book. EDGE: Big Brother.

3. Mao vs. 6. Kim Jong-il

Mao was omnipotent, but was he “Guardian Deity of the Planet?” I think not. EDGE: Kim.

10. Pol Pot vs. 7. Stalin

Unparalleled propaganda. The Gulag. Facial hair. Uncle Joe. EDGE: Stalin.

FINAL FOUR

9. Castro vs. 4. Big Brother

A roomful of rats is scarier than a Bay of Pigs. EDGE: Bro.

6. Kim Jong-il vs. 2. Stalin

Stalin effectively enslaved Eastern Europe. And I guess Kim Jong-il did too, but only according to North Korean newspapers. EDGE: Stalin.

CHAMPIONSHIP

4. Big Brother vs. 2. Stalin

It’s Big Brother...versus the real Big Brother. I guess that sentence alone decides it. CHAMP: Stalin. MVP: The Russian Winter.