For our last column, we have decided to present Michael and Sagar’s Incredibly Amazing Intern Survival Guide. Please use it well, or at least refrain from using it for evil.

Tip 1: Lunch is expensive.

SD: Here’s the trick — you should never have to pay for your own lunch. As an intern, even if you’re getting money, people generally will want to help out the poor college student. Every time we had a lunch meeting in our office, they’d let the interns clean up the scraps. Degrading? Possibly. Worth it? Oh yeah.

MW: If you don’t want to stoop to Sagar’s level, another good trick is to bring your own lunch, eat it secretly, and then go out with your coworkers and order something small. You’ll save money, and people may even be falsely impressed with your seemingly regimented diet.

Tip 2: Technology is the great equalizer.

SD: Few people actually know how to use their BlackBerries or computers or projectors or copy machines. If you take on the digital mantle, you will find yourself in high demand. You will be techno-intern: wanted by all, beholden to none.

MW: Regardless of how new and cool your office equipment is, something will go wrong, usually in an embarrassing way. During my third week on the job, my office computer was infected by a virus which continually loaded pornograbber.com — so much for those expensive firewalls and anti-virus software. IT informed me my computer was getting ready to attack the rest of the network and they would have to take it away.

Tip 3. Meetings are almost always boring. Get used to it.

MW: Meetings are sometimes necessary, occasionally helpful, and most often useless. During one meeting I attended, the woman presenting said, “You’ll have all this in an e-mail, so you don’t have to remember what I’m going through now,” and then proceeded to speak for an hour.

Tip 4. BlackBerries make it okay to be rude.

MW: Do you remember high school, where anyone caught text messaging during class was punished? Office jobs operate on the opposite principle. Everyone knows meetings are boring and useless, so corporate culture has made it perfectly acceptable to rattle away on your BlackBerry while others are talking. It’s not being rude, it’s being productive!

Tip 5: Handshakes are important.

SD: You really have to get down the flavor of your handshake. There’s the universal simple strong shake: avoid looking at the hand, make eye contact, and make sure it’s webby to webby! There’s nothing worse than a limp fish shake. Then there’s the two-handed shake — use this with an acquaintance you want to get to know better. There’s the shake with the left hand on the shakee’s forearm, same as the aforementioned, but more intense. There’s the shake with the left hand on the bicep, good for co-workers. Finally there’s the shake with the halfway man-hug, always a good default.

Tip 6: Learn how to make coffee.

MW: Especially if you, like most interns, don’t have a BlackBerry, caffeine is essential to cope with meetings. Not paying attention because you’re reading e-mail is fine because e-mail seems productive. Not paying attention because you’re asleep is not fine, because it is difficult to cover for, especially if you snore or drool. My co-columnist once fell asleep in a room with a high ranking military officer. Not a good idea. Also, most offices have communal coffeepots, and it is very embarrassing if someone asks you to start a new batch and you blow up the break room, or worse, make terrible coffee.

Tip 7: Acronyms = success.

SD: I once heard a sentence spoken as follows: “DOD’s been MIA on this, but we’ve gotta make sure to meet with OSD before COB on Friday.” It’s like its own language. If you can’t understand acronyms, you’ll be lost for weeks.

Tip 8: Don’t be afraid to ask questions.

MW: Asking questions in meetings is one of the few places you as an intern have an advantage over the rest of the office. If someone starts a sentence with “the new guidance related to the procurement steps...” and you’re so baffled you can’t even remember the rest of the sentence, chances are you aren’t the only one. It’s okay to ask because you are the naive intern, and you can help everyone else save face. This is also a good way to learn acronyms.

Tip 9: Police are everywhere.

SD: Police are everywhere in DC, but they, like handshakes, come in different types. If you see a police officer on a motorcycle in a main street, get out of the way, because a presidential motorcade is coming through. If you see the Capitol Police, make sure you befriend them, because they have really, really, really big guns. Then there’s the Secret Service — it’s fun to imitate them and keep touching your hand to your ear. A lot of them actually don’t wear sunglasses indoors, however, which is quite disappointing.

Tip 10: Watch your mouth.

MW: It might be appallingly obvious to you that President Bush is really dumb, Hillary Clinton is kind of scary, or that Ron Paul is entertaining but has no chance of winning. But people often have unpredictable political allegiances. If you inadvertently say one of these things in the wrong company — say your boss actually worked on so and so’s campaign — get ready for awkwardness.

SD: This is probably as universal a rule as you can get. Don’t insult certain elected officials unless you know the thoughts of the people around you. Don’t call people Mr. or Ms. if they should actually be going by Secretary or Administrator. Most importantly, don’t publish columns that could be interpreted as harsh criticism of your previous office, even if you actually liked it. Haha... ha... (crickets chirping).

Michael worked at the Millennium Challenge Corporation this past fall, and Sagar worked at the Center for a New American Security. Note to our bosses: We actually loved out time in D.C. Please ignore above column and consider us for a job. Email them at sagarandmichael@gmail.com.