So, uh, hey there everybody. (Wave at audience. Wait for audience to wave back.) No, uh, no takers, huh? Well that’s — that’s — mmm.... I... OK. OK.

You, uh, may have heard — no writers this time. This isn’t so great — not so good for us — but, you know, show must go on, right? Yeah? I don’t know. OK.

IT’S OSCARS TIME!

Yessir.

So what we have here are — you, I’m talking about you (sweeping gesture to audience) — is a bunch of really important industry members of uh... members of what you might call a bright collection of a situation should I say that, uh... no, wait, let me start that over.

Let me — I should start out with — stop me if you’ve heard this one: so there’s this plane, right? And it’s lost both engines and is going to crash. And on board are a Mexican guy, a Polish guy and a Chinese guy. And the Mexican guy takes out a bottle of tequila, OK? And he so he takes a big swig, you know, like they — oh, hold on a sec, guys, I’m getting some sort of signal from offstage. It’s a funny — No? Hey, your call.

Anyone know any songs? “Hard times you had before you/ I knew when I first saw you...” Nobody? Really? I guess they never really — I mean, have you guys heard of Asia? The band, I mean. That was pretty much all I listened to in college. If anyone has a guitar, I can... anybody bring a guitar? Oh, come on.

All right, I’m gonna try a different tack, here. Webster’s, uh... (pull out dictionary from behind podium) Webster’s defines “Oscars” as, let me see, here. It doesn’t, um, seem to — it’s not in here, but it says, lessee, “academy” means.... “a school usually above the elementary level...” no, that’s not right. “Award”: “something that is conferred or bestowed especially on the basis of merit or need.” There we go. Exactly. “On the basis of merit or need.” That’s what the true meaning of “award” is. And, in a way, that’s what we’re doing right here, however many hundreds of years after the fact. Awarding. Just like the ancient Romans, when they put together the Olympic games and made everyone naked.

How about that “Gladiator,” huh? I’d give that movie an Academy Award or two.

So there’s something really, really great about all of us just standing on a stage in front of cameras and a bunch of people in — is that? That’s the exact same tux I’m wearing. That is so weird.

But the point is, what I’m trying to get at, although I keep getting off-point — off-topic... uh, off-message... what it all boils down to is that it’s not about the movies. It’s — no, it is about the movies. I always fuck that one up.

Oh, shit, did I — ?

I’ve heard the Oscars don’t actually go out live to most of the U.S. — is that true?

It’s not?

Sorry.

OK, back on track. I’ve always felt that there’s something beautiful about celebrating the film industry. I — it’s a lot of glitz and glitter, there’s a lot of superficiality — we can see that occasionally the heart of it is, is, is obscured by money and petty squabbles, but something we can take away from this is the art that is the — the soul of the whole business. And when we think about that, really think about that, I think we can all look at ourselves in the mirror and — hey, it is surprisingly easy to just talk up here! I mean, I’m just stringing together words like nobody’s business! It doesn’t even have to make sense — I mean, watch this: lalalalalalabwadaloodalay bedajibbachep waydelee hup blup pluppity. This is great! (Wave arms floppily.) Shoobity habbitala buddagudda sicsicsicsisc dikkity beeeeeeeeyoooooooooooop.

Oh, OK, something’s blinking, now — that’s — what’s that? Shout louder, you in the catwalk — look, I can’t hear you, I’ve got base #2 in my ears. “Ime?” What the hell does that mean? Oh, time. Time! Haha, all right, everybody, let’s give the techie up on the catwalks a round of applause. Good going, techie.

Now, this is the moment you’ve really been waiting patiently for, and thank you for that, except for all the people who left and that one guy who’s giving me the stinkeye. Is that Ving Rhames? No, it’s some other black guy. Samuel L. Jackson? No? Sidney Poitier? I don’t know, maybe he’s some kind of Asian. What? I can’t see from up here.

In any case — this is the show we have for you tonight — we’ve got some nominees — out of those nominees, some people will probably win, etc... I have no idea how to, uh, how to end this thing... Hey, Ricky! Ricky! How do I end this thing?

I’m gonna go smoke a Dutchie.