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NewsvineSo I know we all told ourselves that we were going to really try to stick with that work-out schedule we set for ourselves, in an effort to expel the fat that collects on our tuchuses as we sit lazily about and cram our brains with the wide array of imperious texts we are forced to consume for our pontificated classes; however, this just isn’t going to happen. We all know it, but the hard thing, as usual for Stanford students, is to accept this fact. As much as we’d like to be, we’re just not Spiderman, you know? Nevertheless, many of us will try anyways. And to help you along with this vain attempt, here are eight more amusing physical activities you might want to partake in:
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Number One: Scale the walls of Meyer Library. This is an especially plausible activity if your hallmate climbed Mount Everest. All you have to do is cunningly steal some belay equipment from the gym, scrounge up the moxie and up and up and away you go! And if you slip, never fear: the bikes parked outside will break your fall.
Number Two: Remember that elevators are for the wussies and the handicapped (who have every right to use the elevators and should not be demeaned in any way, fashion or form, honestly and sincerely) and use the legs you are lucky enough to be able to utilize and run frenetically up the emergency stairs of Hoover Tower, making sure to knock down whomever else you encounter along the way so you’ll have hurdles to jump over on your way back down.
Number Three: My personal favorite — do yoga in front of MemChu. Naked. Both liberating and spiritually fulfilling. And if you’re a little gun shy, so to speak, at least your heart rate will go up as your mounting embarrassment causes your face and body to turn the ever so attractive red that adorns the bashful, as well as the skin of really white people who have just been poked.
Number Four: If you are not among the aquatically challenged, utilize Stanford’s ever so pleasing fountains and swim lap after lap, drenching yourself in the sweet smell of chlorine. As it is winter, you might get a mild case of hypothermia, but no worries. Nothing helps you lose weight like dying.
Number Five: Take a modern dance class. Not only will you work up a sweat, but you’ll get to touch others inappropriately, too. I do not speak from personal experience.
Number Six: Instead of running the dish, run the roundabout o’ death at peak traffic hours and really get your blood pumping. This will also provide the on-lookers with a nice chance to work out their abs while they laugh their asses off at you as you run in circles, dodging bikers and occasionally being side-swiped in the kidney by their handlebars.
Number Seven: Duct tape all of your ridiculously cumbersome textbooks to your back and do those 100 or so push-ups you’ve been promising yourself might help turn your girly arms into bulging babe beckoners. It probably won’t work, but hey, might as well use your textbooks for something if you’re going to spend all your time exercising instead of reading.
Number Eight: To satisfy your personal vendetta against Segway riders, every time you see one, go up to them pantomiming like you have your own imaginary Segway and challenge them to a race. Then, when they get that smug look on their face as they begin to contemplate the glory that will finally be theirs as they beat this shmuck who thinks he can out run a Segway, push them off and run like hell. Don’t worry, they wear helmets to protect their fragile minds, so they shouldn’t incur any brain damage.
So go get ‘em tiger, and remember, if all your efforts amount to nothing, you can always take the easy way out and get your tummy tucked.