So your mom cautioned you against leaving the house with wet hair and spring-breaking sans sunscreen, but momma ain’t here now. You’ve got plenty more troubles to watch out for as you begin life on this dirty, dirty farm. So here’s a little list of the diseases and ailments running rampant on the Stanford campus. It’s out of control. You’ll also find some key tips on how to diagnose, treat and prevent these diseases from making your first quarter at Stanford SICK instead of sick.

Acronymphilia

Diagnosis: When Acronym Angela asks you to grab some Fro-Yo in FloMo, you might nod your head yes. But if she invites you to check out that show at DinkAud or ascend HooTow, run. No one says HooTow.

Prevention: Watch your acronym usage closely, but a certain degree of acronymphilia is completely normal. If you begin to abbreviate words that cause more confusion than clarification, you may have a problem. Consult your friendly PHE if you find yourself in this predicament.

Peprosy

Cause: After spending 17 million NSO hours at Faces, O-Show and other early Stanford traditions, you may feel yourself infused with an unnaturally peppy spirit, buying too much Stanford apparel (“to wear to all the football games we’re going to WIN!!!”) and non-ironically saying things like, “Wow, Stanford’s diverse student body is certainly culturally enriching...”

Treatment: Enjoy it while it lasts.

Roommate Disorder

Diagnosis: Your roommate is messy. Not messy in a “pile of clothes on her floor at all times” sort of way, but more of a “rank rank rank” sort of way. Leftover food littered everywhere (see: Ebowla), miscellaneous hairs and nail clippings and a strange, persistent odor from that side of the room. Worse yet, the mess begins to take over the entire double.

Cure: Invest in some black electrical tape and divide the room from the window to the door. Label everything you own with “CAUTION: I have Pink Eye.”

Moononucleosis

Cause: A little too much Full Moon on the Quad action — swap spit with 97 people, and some of that spit might start growing mold. The mold then grows fungus that gives way to large green blisters. OK, so I’m a little fuzzy on the details, but the point is that Full Moon Mayhem can lead to Saturday Morning Moono.

Prevention: Do NOT kiss The Tree. Repeat: Do. Not. Kiss. The. Tree.

Ebowla

Diagnosis: Don’t be that kid who “borrows” dozens of bowls and cups from the dining hall to eat in his room, only to leave them in a haphazard pile outside his door. Does Borrowing Bob return the dishes the next morning? No, nor the day after. Nor the day after that. These dishes foul-ify for months, stinking up the hall and then seeping into the surrounding rooms.

Cure: Employ a gas mask to enter the hallway. And tell Bob you hate him and his pungent ways.

B. coli

Diagnosis: You will get a B. Whether it’s in Chem 31XXX or IHUM: Visions of Russian Mortality and Religious Expression, it will happen.

Treatment: It will happen, and you will LIVE!

Sophomorning Sickness

Diagnosis: After a year of 10 a.m. IHUM lectures and 9 a.m. Spanish classes, students in the sophomore slump are basically allergic to anything that starts before 1:15. Can you blame them? They’re sophomores.

Cure: Wait nine months.