International observers decried election fraud and voter intimidation in Managing Editor of News and Vice Deputy Premier Nick Parker’s ascent to power in The Daily’s capital of Storke yesterday.

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Current Managing Editor of News Nick Parker ‘08 downs some “Brut,” a favorite of Stanford Daily staffers, as he celebrates his election as EIC. Duran Alvarez, the typesetter, was disappointed: “I wanted beer but they bought this shit.” #gallery http://daily.stanford.edu/image/full/7642
Shams Shaikh

Current Managing Editor of News Nick Parker ‘08 downs some “Brut,” a favorite of Stanford Daily staffers, as he celebrates his election as EIC. Duran Alvarez, the typesetter, was disappointed: “I wanted beer but they bought this shit.”

Although Parker was officially opposed by Jules R. Penguin, Penguin was denied a spot in official debates and was left out of election coverage by the state-owned, Hohmann-controlled media.

“Oh yeah, Penguin was ‘running against’ Parker, but it’s pretty much a one-party system. There wasn’t much he could do,” said one senior official who was granted anonymity because he feared retaliation for speaking out against the new guard.

The 35 voters in yesterday’s elections were confronted by a confusing ballot, and members of the police force ostensibly supervised the vote for “security reasons.” Votes were counted secretly, and officials from the new Parker administration later announced that Parker swept 100 percent of the vote. When Penguin campaign managers asked for a recount, they were denied.

“Jules’ name wasn’t even spelled right on the ballot,” said Penguin campaign manager Betsy Congdon, alleging that head copy editor In Ho Lee purposely let the mistake slip by. “He didn’t have a chance.”

“Look, I don’t want to be a conspiracy theorist, but I’ll just say that Parker comes from a long line of ‘leaders,’” said Ben Eppler, a foreign correspondent for The Daily. “His father, his grandfather... there was nothing unexpected about this ‘victory.’”

The fortunes of The Daily have long been linked with those of the powerful Parker family. The youngest Parker’s grandfather, Vladimir Ilyich Parker, presided over The Daily during a turbulent period of reform and modernization during the 1930s. Nick’s father, Leonid Parker, chaired The Daily’s Central Committee during the height of an arms race with superpower rival The Harvard Crimson.

“To quote a previous reformer, ‘We need the real, nationwide terror which reinvigorates the country and through which the Great French Revolution achieved glory,’” Parker proclaimed in his acceptance speech.

James Hohmann, Parker’s predecessor, stood at his side, smiling with a wide grin, during Parker’s acceptance speech.

“Nicholas Maynardovich Parker represents the essence of the revolutionary spirit, and I cannot imagine another person as willing to shed his own blood for the preservation of our institution,” Hohmann said in an address to the party, shortly before fleeing from a back fire escape. While he did not immediately return calls seeking comment, rumors abounded that he has absconded to more welcoming harbors.

“I fear he crossed the border into friendlier territory, if you know what I mean,” opined loyal citizen Andrea Fuller between successive shots of vodka. “He’s gone where editors in chief go to die. He’ll probably write a book and maybe stage a coup when the coast clears. He took out [former Editor in Chief Patrick] Fitzgerald after all.”

While official histories make the victor’s family credentials appear impeccable, there is a dark side to the Parker legacy. The elder Parkers ruled The Daily with an iron fist, crushing insurrections and restricting free speech by driving out independent media competitors. Dozens of reporters were relocated to “reeducation facilities” in faraway West Campus during the reign of Parker’s father, an experience for which many families still demand an official apology. It has not been forthcoming.

“Oh yeah, the Parkers are great. Years of repression and the little issue of stealing Karelia away from us, and now they’re ‘reformers,’” said Finnish representative Sini Matikainen, spitting on the ground with disdain.

Many loyal citizens expressed support for the new administration.

“He’s a true comrade and a great leader,” said Sam Bhagwat.

Even Congdon, who has accepted a position in the new administration, admitted grudging respect for the new president.

“I can’t wait,” she said, “to develop his staff.”