Roxy would like to say, first of all, that she’d watch that. A cowboy, a ninja and a bear? Hell yeah. Well, maybe not the bear so much. Roxy has no particular beef against that school across the bay, but bears are a little too hairy even for her practically non-existent standards. But anyway, Roxy’s sure you understand why she wouldn’t mind watching at least a little of that action.

Actually, to be perfectly honest, Roxy had never heard of the game until this glorious I-mission issue. She did a little research online (Roxy knows all the best sites, if you know what she means), and she found that cowboy-ninja-bear is “a variation of rock-paper-scissors where the players act the part rather than using their hands.”

As far as Roxy’s concerned, rock-paper-scissors just rounded the bases from masturbation (alone or together) to home plate, man. And she’s not gonna argue with that. However, Roxy would like to take this opportunity to walk her readers through the advantages and disadvantages of each option.

For example, rock-paper-scissors (read: masturbation) is easy to, um, pull off pretty discreetly. In the back of a crowded lecture hall, in an elevator, in a dark movie theatre or pretty much wherever you feel like it. In contrast, cowboy-ninja-bear requires a lot more room and maybe some planning ahead. Did you take your birth control pills to avoid popping out a very hairy cowboy wearing a ninja mask in nine months? Roxy hopes so.

Also, cowboy-ninja-bear requires using your entire body. You can’t do that while wearing just anything. Make sure you don’t wear something that will cause you to sweat or get stuck in an awkward position right in the middle of the action. Better yet, don’t wear anything at all. The bear is already going to be naked (oh, Berkeley), and Roxy’s sure you’ll find ninjas and cowboys quite accepting, Brokeback Mountain style.

Got all of that? Keep it in mind while Roxy discusses the merits of each of the three techniques in both games. Really, when should you stick with a simple rock, and when can you bust out the cowboy? Read on, as Roxy reveals as only she can.

She’ll be honest; you can’t accomplish much with paper. A flat hand gets pretty boring after a while, and it can really only be used on surfaces that are relevantly flat. And that’s no fun, unless you want to get kinky. Also, the rock, contrary to what they may tell you at Sigma Nu, is painful and really not at all what women want. That leaves us with scissors, which are useful for any orifice or organ that needs as little lovin’. It also has a passing resemblance to the shocker, which Roxy says, you’ll use at your own risk.

With cowboy-ninja-bear you can be a little more creative, because it’s harder to predict individual desires in this fantasy realm. Is he into cowboy while you’re all about ninja? Switch it up, trade off, do whatever you want to do, but don’t force yourself to conform to one mold too soon. Your opponent will be able to guess exactly what you’re up to. Ah, forgot we were discussing games, did you? Pervs.

Of course, Roxy’s a fine one to talk, and she knows this. She was thinking about sex the whole time, too, naturally. She wishes you luck in the application of the knowledge she’s imparted to you today, and, if you ever need to know down the line, she prefers ninjas over cowboys. And just remember, it’s all a game.