Lucas is currently filming his new Star Wars television show, and there have been a lot of rumors circling about who will be involved in its production. In light of recent news, I believe I have the solution to save face for the Lucas franchise: Put me in the new Star Wars show.

Now, the reason for my sudden suggestion is a curious piece of news I picked up the other day. Many people are saying right now that the beta male, the lovable loser, is the new hero in society. In the world, alpha males are dominating, self-serving ambitious types who run for class elections and become highly-paid professionals and leaders in their various fields. Apparently, to the scientific world, the words “Alpha” and “Stanford” are synonymous. We are a university of eldest and only children united by our common fear of being idle and our ambition to be better than everyone else. The dating scene is glorious.

The beta males are shooting a bit lower in their aspirations, or just care enough to get a weekly humor column. This column isn’t an example of ambition, but rather of blown promise. If I were really motivated, I would funnel my creative energies into papers or short stories. Instead, my life is about getting by. I don’t crave ultimate power, I crave the ability to afford power windows.

The problem with the prequel “Star Wars” movies was that there was no lovable beta male. Instead, we were stuck with Hayden Christensen. Now, Darth Vader is the definition of the alpha male. The guy shits anvils. Anakin Skywalker, at least how Christensen played him, was more like a whining eunuch. He didn’t beat his chest and lead the battle cry; he beat off and listened to intergalactic emo.

In contrast, Han Solo was completely a beta male. His aspiration was to save his own ass. Sure he boasted, but it was in this devil-may-care way. People loved the original trilogy, and I know why: it had heroes you could identify with. Also, no Jar-Jar.

Alpha males are on the decline because society can only stand emulating assholes for so long. Rummy, Cheney, Imus, etc. are all being rejected by society. The successes of “Shrek,” Spiderman, Chad Vader, and Kevin Smith all point to the rise of the beta male. Even God has gotten the hint and now the Yankees suck.

So I’m hoping when Lucas launches this latest foray into television catastrophe, he includes some characters that we’re all going to identify with. Like, for instance, Davin Felth. Davin Felth was a character that fans of the Star Wars universe created. He is most known to people as the stormtrooper who says “Look sir, droids!” in “A New Hope.” He’s seen as an everyday man, a slacker who is just trying to make it in the Empire. Darren and I did a webcomic about him, and we’re expecting a book deal any day now. Then again, we’re also expecting Keira Knightley to come to our super-cool pool party next week.

So I think that Star Wars needs some everyday heroes. Some slackers. Smugglers and bar patrons, not Jedi Lords and senators. Even though it’s in a galaxy far, far away, we don’t want to see Oedipus Rex. We want to see “Cheers!” Give us a Jedi who uses his power to get women to sleep with him. “These are not the droids you’re looking for. You can move along. To my bed.”

You might be saying “Chris, wouldn’t suggesting yourself worthy of being on this TV series makes you an alpha male?” No, if I was really arrogant, I would insert myself in a show that wasn’t doomed to fail.

I’m not looking for a role that’s going to save the galaxy. I’d pawn the lightsaber to some fanboy for an Xbox. I’d use the force to trip old people. All I want is a bit part where I crack one-liners and get to beat on some Jawas. Can I be cast as an intergalactic pizza guy?

I mean, I couldn’t play the major hero. My own life is the very opposite of the epic. My major accomplishment over the last five years is writing a joke about Tara Reid’s breasts. I’m not going to be a doctor, lawyer, businessman, or Jedi Lord. Heck, you wouldn’t want me to lead a game of Candyland, let alone a galactic rebellion. If I make enough through writing to pay the rent, I’ll be pretty happy. Having Jessica Alba as a wife would be nice too, but I’ll probably just settle for buying the Dark Angel DVDs.

And I think this mantra is perfect for the kind of character Lucas should want on his new show. Next time I see you folks, it will be on the TV screen. Hopefully, I’ll be the character in the corner of the cantina comparing ewoks unfavorably to talking Brillo pads. Then, I’ll dropkick a jawa.

For Chris’s obligatory column about Azia Kim, visit his site at http://holtsharangue.blogspot.com. Send complaints to cholt@stanford.edu