People may not realize this, but I’m very popular in some parts of the world. In fact, Holt’s Harangue, translated into Thai, is apparently very, very funny. And popular. I receive royalty checks galore from many countries that are so poor they lack vowels and their checks are made out in foreign currency like waffles instead of American dollars. The point is, Holt’s Harangue as an enterprise is a moneymaker.

So I began licensing. I thought, oh what-the-hey, why not have a clothing line? That was after the perfume line; my publicist assured me that many famous authors had their own scents, and Dave Barry’s cologne was very popular in Mozambique. Who knew?

I’m not here today to talk to you about my immense success abroad or my (in my opinion) unjustifiable unpopularity here. Instead, I want to talk to you about why Stanford must not be sweat-free.

You see, I have some experience in this matter. My clothing line is made in Malaysia, making it both technically made in America and ensuring the labor is dirt cheap. My former roommate, now heading up my New York division, has assured me that it’s practically criminal how much we pay these people, but not criminal enough for me to ever be convicted in a court of law. You never can tell when he’s joking after he’s got bourbon in him.

So here’s the rub: apparently, some of the Holt’s Harangue brand lobster bibs are not “sweat-free.” I haven’t visited the site exactly because I don’t tan well, but let’s just say I’ve been assured that everyone is fully embodying the Protestant work ethic, those little godless heathens.

Personally, like Stanford, I don’t want to be sweat-free. I think workers should be sweating a bit to get the work done, or else it’s too shoddily crafted to be marketable. I mean, if they aren’t exerting effort, the quality will resemble those prizes you win at carnivals or Tara Reid’s breasts.

If the work is truly sweat-free then it’s probably done by robots. Is that what Stanford and the world wants, robots taking over good jobs provided by American-like peoples? In my opinion, there is something simply more personal and heartwarming about knowing that an eigh-year-old personally crafted your Holt’s Harangue brand mini-skirt (very popular item in Japan, from what I’ve been told).

Now Stanford is being pressed by persons from the Sweat Free Coalition to mend its ways. Stanford, don’t wuss out on me. Seriously. You guys and Nike are the only companies in the world still holding out. I know, it’s hard not to cave. I mean, you have the student government, faculty members and naked hippies all pleading for change. It’s hard not to listen to people who are willing to come at you with kitty litter. Or whose protests break down because nature calls. Or who can’t wait another week to go to a scheduled meeting.

But in my humble opinion, no matter how many students protest, you shouldn’t listen. At Holt’s Harangue, Inc., we have a policy of throwing people in sacks with rabid badgers any time they question our labor policy. I encourage you to take a similar approach next time the students break out of their pre-designated free speech zone in White Plaza.

Think of all the money you could be losing if you acquiesced to having oversight from the WRC and the DSP, thereby ensuring that Stanford clothing was “sweat-free.” This money could go to palm trees and antiseptic buildings built by a creepy and controlling developer — your favorite!

Phil Knight, founder of Nike, stopped funding the University of Oregon, his alma mater, when they switched to the WRC. I doubt Mr. Knight’s millions are more important to you than student opinions, but my money should be. I have millions of waffles, I mean dollars, which could be yours if you only remained strong in your decision to ignore human rights groups.

And while people will point out that the UC campuses have all gone sweat-free, for Stanford to do so would be breaking custom. Stanford has a proud tradition of exploiting labor, back to the days when Leland Stanford paid Chinese railroad workers in Canterbury creme eggs.

Based on your ability to pay a living wage to your local employees, I believe the likelihood of you paying foreigners in your sweat shops a living wage is unlikely. That means if you went sweat-free, these impoverished people would lose their jobs. They’d be replaced by faceless robots who in their off hours would taunt the former employees, hassle them at the local dance halls and ultimately burn what I imagine to be their thatch-roofed villages and their pagan shrines. Think Apocalypse Now crossed with Roger and Me. These robots, after destroying their villages, would ultimately come after their creators: and that’s you and me, President Hennessy.

President Hennessy: when you make your decision, I don’t want you to think of the impoverished and exploited workers, the naked students or the enraged faculty. I want you to think of the real oppressed people here: the millionaire investors whose money you might lose and whose robots may ultimately destroy us all.

Chris thinks the Sweat-Free Coalition’s hearts are in the right place, even if their heads are full of kitty litter. Stanford must be sweat-free. Send complaints to cholt@stanford.edu.