“Sure is getting dark! I should be heading to bed soon.” “Look at the time! I’ve got cookies in the oven.” “Uh oh! Dennis Hopper has wired my body with high-powered explosives, and if I don’t continue moving at a certain speed it’s going to explode!”

Ah, dropping hints: The ultimate way out of any difficult situation — especially one involving an unwanted advance. A properly placed “I’m busy” can go a long way. A fleeting glance toward a large stack of books or a noticeable watch-checking are very effective ways to say, “I would rather not be with you. Go away immediately!” An audible yawn is perhaps the best way to indicate, “you are not fit for my sight.”

If life, and my mom, have taught me anything, it’s to be nice to people, not to hurt their feelings, and to “let them down gently,” if need be. And what better way to do this than to drop a hint? This is subtlety in its purest form. In the course of the average day, I find myself dropping hints in three out of every four sentences I utter.

But this strategy carries with it the danger that whomever I’m talking to will not “take the hint”. Like in football, a well-dropped hint requires a good pass and a good catch. If one happens without the other, then the pass is incomplete.

Unfortunately, at Stanford, I find that these “incomplete passes” are as numerous as the empty seats in our actual football stadium.

I have a tendency to blame other people for this: the prevailing culture of relative awkwardness has made the average Stanford student into an inept hint-taker, unable to sense subtlety, unable to recognize the nuances of the situation.

But what if the problem is not that no one else can take a hint, but that I simply can’t drop one? In dropping hints, one must walk a thin line between getting the point across and not hurting the other person’s feelings. Inexperienced with subtlety as I am, I often err on the subtle side of this line by putting forth an overly veiled comment.

I have thought the matter over, however, and after a great deal of experience I have come up with a list of suggestions for dropping carefully crafted and yet effectively presented hints.

Let us first start with situational awkwardness. Making things awkward is a good way to tell her you’re not interested. Temporarily become a member of an unpopular cult or quasi-religious group. That means pull out the old Satanic robes, crystal balls and palmistry advertisements.

If approached by an all-too-eager conversationalist, don’t let down your guard. Outline the benefits of the Scientology lifestyle. Or, especially if the person you’re talking to is a staunch supporter of the Chinese Communist Party, bring up your affiliation to Falun Gong.

Cultivating situational awkwardness is all about knowing the person you’re talking to and their stereotyped demographic. See a guy with a ponytail? Might be time to bring up the benefits of free trade. Crew cut? Outline the failures of the Iraq war.

Next in your arsenal should be powerful one-liners. These are sentences so offensive, bizarre, or off-putting as to immediately end any conversation in which they spring up.

For instance:

Her: Weather here sure is nice today!

You: ABORTION IS MURDER. (Note: With the one-liners, the more extreme the better, whether or not you actually believe these things.)

Her: How’s your day?

You: The Holocaust never happened, and I’ve got a venereal disease to boot.

One-liners should be offensive, extreme and unnecessary. They should be phrases which only a small minority of people would agree with, least of all the person you’re talking to.

If all else fails, enter DEF-CON 3: feigning homo/heterosexuality. Temporarily celebrate Opposite Day, as you ask your conversational partner the best way to attract a partner of the gender opposite whatever they are. This is a surefire way to end an unpleasant and unwanted romantic advance.

Though the advice above has primarily concerned dropping the “big” hint, that is to say, “I’m not interested,” my strategies work in a variety of situations completely divorced from this context. Whether you’re trying to study, trying not to study or trying to concentrate on bettering your MySpace, dropping hints is the ultimate way out. And if you use my tips, your hints will be picked up every time, with very little emotional consequence. Well, at least for you.

Nat really does enjoy talking with people, but sometimes, he’s got to drop hints like they’re hot. Email at nat.hillard@stanford.edu if you feel slighted.