Imagine an alternate universe where the city of San Francisco uses an innovative, “fair” program to assign its inhabitants housing. It goes something like this: Families or groups of friends join together and are given a random number by the city council. Based on that number, they rank preferences of where they want to live. The best housing in the city requires ridiculously low numbers. Like Nob Hill? You’d better hope you break the century mark.

The lottery does not discriminate, but there are caveats. Those who prefer alternative housing can get priority to live in special themed houses. Others can join elite clubs and are then guaranteed to live in that house every year. If an inhabitant chooses to leave San Francisco and return a few months later they are randomly assigned a room despite any number ranking. This could mean a housing assignment to a quaint studio in Noe Valley or a disheveled shack in Bayview. It doesn’t matter how long a person has lived in San Francisco, or what number they received before, this system is completely random.

Sound familiar? Before you say, “I’ve heard it all before,” let me insist that this column is not about our flawed draw system. In fact, the draw system isn’t so bad (although this is coming from someone who will never be forced to enter the draw ever again). Instead, I use my imaginary world to illustrate the strife of finding housing outside of Stanford. I would love to get together with some friends, complain about receiving a high number and leave the rest to the city council. If I received a bad assignment I would express my bitterness like any normal person: by hoarding food from open kitchens. Finding housing in the real world, while more fair, actually requires more effort.

First you must find a roommate. This can be taxing, especially if you ignored my previous advice and decided not to move back home after graduation. The good news is that if you decided to stay in the Bay Area then your quest to find a living partner will not be too difficult. It turns out so many of us stick around that San Francisco might as well be considered another Stanford campus, except with less palm trees and more hipsters. For those of you who decided to take the Teach for America job in South Dakota, you might have a harder time. While your BFFs are finding their ideal apartment in the Mission, you could be forced to live with an actual stranger (gasp!). There are hoards of Web sites dedicated to finding that perfect roommate, but the fact of the matter is you never know what a person is like until you live with them.

The creepy roommate is everybody’s nightmare. The roommate that steals your underwear. The roommate that claims to work at an Internet start-up, but pays for everything in cash and returns each night smelling like fish. The roommate that spreads peanut butter on your toes while you are sleeping then wakes you up as he is licking it off. (You thought you were having a pleasant dream about your childhood dog.) Your roommate swears it’s nothing sexual; he just really likes feet, and peanut butter. There is nothing you can do about these roommates but move apartments and long for the days of your draw group.

The next step is to find a place to live. Finding an apartment is like finding deals on eBay: All you really need are the internet and a little patience. It also doesn’t hurt to know the right people. If you’re lucky, your friend of a friend’s uncle’s girlfriend’s neighbor might be moving out next month. Finding furniture is another story. While your first instinct is to probably go on a shopping spree at IKEA, I recommend garage sales and street corners. Go ahead, search “free stuff” on Craigslist. It’s a goldmine, as long as you are up to date on your Tetanus shot.

Finally, there are the logistics. Who’s going to buy the microwave? Do I have to pay for cable if I don’t watch TV? Why can’t I cook naked? Small details do not seem important, but could easily lead to the spread of discontent and/or syphilis.

When it all adds up, I suppose that finding real-world housing is worth the effort. While the process can be a pain, the outcome can be great. Not to mention that when you live in the crap of Bayview you will be paying significantly less than you would be to relax in the splendor of Nob Hill — something that can’t always be said for living variations on campus. As for finding a roommate, just pray that your friends will settle in the same city. Or start numbering your underwear.

Kevin is excited to live with the best housemate ever. If you have free furniture to give away, email him at kpadrez@stanford.edu.