Las Vegas, the city of sin, is a perennial spring break favorite: it’s like Florida without the old people, Los Angeles without the chichi dress code, Cancun without class. And like a legal, unionized northern Nevada brothel prostitute, there are several ways to do this vacation right. The only difference is what you’re willing to spend.

If you’re thinking about hitting up LV on your next break, here are three alternative Vegas vacation schemes, scaled to accommodate everyone from those of you with engineering libraries named after your parents all the way down to those of us who are too po’ to afford the other “o” and the “r.”

Vacation 1: Off Da Hook

Lodging: If money is not an issue, enjoy your stay in the five-star Wynn Hotel & Resort, where $599 a night gets you 640 square feet, a panoramic view of the city and a minibar with its own security alarm. Classy.

Food: If you need to nibble something more substantial than caviar and Dom, make your way to Picasso at the Bellagio. This restaurant is filled with dozens of original Picassos, making it one of about five restaurants in Vegas that doesn’t cater to smokers.

Entertainment: After dinner, burn off your 200-calorie haute cuisine meal by dancing at the TAO Nightclub in the Venetian. The bouncers enforce a strict pretty-people-only policy, but, if you have any trouble, just claim you’re with Paris Hilton, one of the club’s regulars. Although I personally have never gotten in, judging by the Facebook pictures of the two people from high school I haven’t de-friended, this is the perfect place to meet a bottle blonde bimbette who is double-majoring in Spanish and gold digging. At least it will make you feel better about not going to USC.

Vacation 2: On Da Budget

Lodging: If you’re saving your cash to lose at the poker table, look no further for an affordable room than the Laughing Jackalope Motel, Bar and Casino, right across the street from the Mandalay Bay. Rooms are as low as $30 during the off-season and the bar serves the biggest drinks in town. Think tumblers full of Jager. Hoo-ah!

Food: Las Vegas natives would kill me for giving away this secret, but for an unbelievable lunch, check out Capriotti’s Sandwich Shop, hands-down the best deli in the Vegas valley area. The shop’s specialty is “The Bobbie,” a sub packed with fresh-carved turkey, cranberry sauce and stuffing — just like Thanksgiving at home, without having to watch your grandmother gum her way through a spoonful of mashed potatoes. And it’s budget-friendly: $13.00 will buy you a 24” (two-foot!) sandwich that easily serves two starving students.

Entertainment: If you’re in the market for low-budget entertainment, look no further than the Greek Isles Hotel & Casino, arguably the seediest venue off (way off) the Strip. Here you can take in a Rat Pack cover show, enjoy the crooning of a cheesy lounge singer or simply play the penny slots while sucking down free gin and tonics served up by 60-year-old cocktail waitresses in satin hot pants. Warning: the lounge singer will hit on your date while you’re in the bathroom.

Vacation 3: In Da Hood

Lodging: Nothing says “I am an independent, responsible adult” like not going into overdraft to fund a spring break. To spend absolutely nothing for lodging, just call up your parents and tell them you’re coming home to Vegas for break. Okay, so it doesn’t have a Jacuzzi, but at least your childhood room is still pimped out with all your old X-Files posters.

Food: The second you arrive, your mother will explain that she didn’t have time to go shopping, then pull a lasagna, two steaks and a spit-roasted whole goat out of the oven. When you finish wiping the grease off your chin, she’ll whip out a blowtorch and fire up some creme brulee. Around 3 a.m., she will ask if you want to order a pizza. You will not.

Entertainment: Awesome — your parents didn’t throw out your Atari when you left for college! After a few hours of tinkering, you hook it up to the high-def flat screen they bought immediately after you moved out. After your first 24 hours home, you are completely molded into the couch, eating peanut butter and Smucker’s butterscotch sandwiches and watching reruns of “Roseanne” in your underwear. That John Goodman can make you bawl like a baby.

(Helpful hint: Technically, the “In Da Hood” option of this trip planner only works if you, like I, were raised in Las Vegas, NV. If you had the misfortune of growing up somewhere lame like Idaho, though, feel free to give my mother a call when you’re making your vacation plans; she roasts a mean goat, and my living room has a pretty sweet Atari setup.)