I will not be the first to say that I love Facebook groups. I am usually very much in favor of the idea of mindlessly copying the ideas of “clever” people at other colleges and creating a “Stanford Chapter,” or of overzealously supporting my political candidate so that strangers can classify me in terms of broadly defined stereotypes. But there is a new movement cropping up, and it is a clear violation of the sanctity of the Facebook group feature: sophomore president election slates. No doubt you, the reader, have received an invitation to one or more these groups yourself, and marveled at the creativity of our classmates — or dire, dire, lack thereof.

While I could easily write a scathing anti-student government tract, instead, I have decided to hand out awards to these aspiring candidates. After all, the time commitment involved in devising such clever groups, and in inviting the entirety of the Facebook-frequenting population at Stanford, really must be impressive.

Without further ado, let us proceed with the show.

We should begin with the category of best name. This was definitely a tough decision. Perhaps I should note first off that we have nothing to compare to the great “2008 Degrees,” a play on the boy band 1,910 numbers removed from its group title. In the end, however, the award goes to...(building suspense)... “Soph Serve.”

A reference to the phrase “soft serve,” used to describe frozen yogurt-style ice cream, the group conjures images of Stanford’s favorite after-dinner snack. But at the same time, it sneaks in a witty pun. For you see, there is no “t” at the end of the word “Soph,” and it is misspelled. It just so happens that “sophomore” begins with this same syllable, a fact which this group has very keenly picked up on. This creates an aura of unmistakable whimsy.

The group continues with this whimsical approach in naming of their officers. Featuring Liz “Berry” Burstein (Because it’s alliterative), Phil “Vanill” Hon (because it rhymes with his first name), Julian “Brownie” Kelly (because, well ... he’s Black), and Deawodi “Delish” Ladzekpo (Because there are few actual ice cream flavors that begin with “d” or “l”), Soph Serve takes the metaphor of ice cream and runs with it, scoring a touchdown in our hearts and minds. Bravo, Soph Serve. I guess you could say I give you two spoons up!

Our next award is for Best Logic. This clearly goes to “The Giving Tree.” Its description is as follows: “If you liked (or cried over) the tree in the book, you’ll love... what The Giving Tree believes our class should stand for: Giving.” Not sure what the crying has to do with any of this, but so far, seems pretty reasonable.

In the body paragraph, the author really shows off his/her logical exactitude: “We believe we have a duty to stand as a class for social causes at home and abroad. That said, this year Stanford raised close to one billion dollars, almost double that of the second-leading university.”

A powerful statistic, indeed, certainly properly placed and meaningful in this context. This statistic has everything to do with this group’s commitment to social causes. The fact that this is double the amount of the second-leading university is a well-phrased and relevant fact to include here.

If you loved The Giving Tree the book, when you were five years old and weren’t able to make logical connections between two ideas, you’ll really like The Giving Tree slate, dedicated to employing the same kind of logic 14 years later. Way to go, The Giving Tree. I guess you could say I give you two limbs up! Haha!

The last award is reserved for the best: Best Overall. The clear winner here is the great “Slate in a Box,” whose picture features Hoover tower with a gift box appropriately placed over the “bell end” of its undeniably phallic body. Declaring themselves, “the total package,” they share their love for “the zestiest batch to ever rock the Stanford campus.”

They offer three simple steps toward petitioning their names to appear on the ballet:

“1: Click on http://petitions.stanford.edu

2: Select Slate in a Box

3: Petition Slate in a Box!

We’re your Slate in a Box!”

Slate in a Box, you have received my wholehearted endorsement. I have no idea what you stand for, or actually, who any of you are, but I feel that in the issue-oriented world of class elections, you are the clear leaders. While your admittedly vague and noncommittal stance on, well, everything, is slightly troubling, I couldn’t help but sing along with your catchy song. The syllables are right on! (Just try it, readers). And your commitment to badass-itude is readily apparent.

In the campaign for Senate, it must be remarked, I note a startling lack of any kind of unnecessary and intentionally misspelled acronymic titles. In fact, there is an almost horrifying attachment to the antiquated idea of “credentials”. These guys should seriously lighten up. They need to take a page from the book of the glorious Slate in a Box, and post pictures of themselves dressed like pirates and holding 19th century revolvers. Shy away from the “issues,” and focus instead on creating an appropriately mindless surface-level metaphor.

In deciding who is going to have the best material with which to fill their resume several years from now (because we all know that class elections are ultimately meaningless and student government is a pointless, floppy dong), it is important to keep our priorities straight. Keep in mind these awards as you click the decline button, and seriously consider issues that we really have no power to change.

Nat’s personal endorsements? Slate in a Box and Raffi Mardirosian. Remember: Raffi’s not a whore. Email him in defene of your badly named slate at nat.hillard@stanford.edu.