LISA 1

As you awaken from another night of deep, peaceful sleep in your luxurious eggshell-padded twin extra-long, you rub your blood-shot eyes, stretch your pale arms and vaguely remember that there is something you are supposed to do today. By “something,” you know you mean a responsibility that cannot be ignored, slept through, or procrastinated. Something you cannot simply choose to avoid. Something you’ve been denying for at least two weeks now.

And then, roughly ten minutes into your scalding hot shower, it dawns on you: it’s Dead Week. Maybe it’s all of the Monday holidays, maybe it’s the extra-heavy course load, or maybe it’s because February is about a week short of a month, but the end of Winter quarter always arrives unexpectedly early.

Before you reach the promised land of wet t-shirts, dry sand, and ocean-damp beach hair, you have a serious, bollard-filled gauntlet to run — or, if your current energy level resembles mine, to crawl. No matter how you choose to travel, all roads lead to next Friday and the Spring Break that follows, and, like Meyer Library, none of them have seen Capital Improvement since the early sixties.

To study or not to study, that is the question. The choice, of course, is yours.

LISA 2

It takes you 30 minutes to find Building 569, Room 1050 (why didn’t you think to look this up before you left your dorm room? Oh right, you were still trying to finish Chapter 34 — of 60).

You take the only remaining seat, between Suzy Student, who has three pencil cases, two calculators, and an OJ-filled Nalgene spread in front of her, and Showerless Sam, who, true to his namesake, seems to have gone all quarter without washing his body or his clothes.

You search your bag and come up with one red pen, two mostly-empty mechanical pencils, and the ID card you paid to replace last week. Suzy Student graciously lends you an unused black ballpoint.

The professor distributes his 50 page masterpiece, reminds you of the time limit, and leaves a stack of bluebooks on the table, because he’s “sure that many of you will need more space in order to provide adequate responses to the questions.”

He winks at Suzy on the way out and you waste five minutes considering the possibility that their rumored relationship may be true. In the midst of weighing the evidence, you suddenly remember the test in front of you, hastily pledge your honesty on the dotted line, open the packet, and recognize the first question — from the first page of Chapter 35. What now?

LISA 3

You haven’t felt this ill since the week after Full Moon on the Quad.

You drag yourself to Vaden, all the while kicking yourself for last night’s decision. Some things are better left untouched, especially when you’ve pushed your body’s immune system to its sleep-deprivation limit.

As you enter the waiting area, a coughing, sneezing girl beckons you to an empty seat next to her, while another generously holds out a sticky magazine. Everyone else appears much more contagious than you. If you were not sick before you arrived, you will certainly be by the time you leave.

After a five minute examination, during which time you provide a quick synopsis of your medical history, list your symptoms in order of excruciating pain, and try not to touch anything in the room, the nurse informs you that your hunch was right.