Roxy congratulates you if (most) of the sex you had in 2006 was neither as disgusting as “Borat,” nor as disturbing as “Little Miss Sunshine.” There were probably some “You, Me and Dupree” moments for all of us (who hasn’t been walked in on by some pesky cheapskate like...a roommate?), and maybe a few times when we should or shouldn’t have “ Trust(ed) the Man.” But was there truly any Oscar-worthy sex last year, either in the movies or on our campus?

The answer to the first question is painfully obvious, Roxy hates to admit. Of course there weren’t any particularly stunning sex scenes in mainstream movies headed to the Oscars. In America, we can’t see that sort of thing in conventional theaters, or really even without the aid of the Internet. Romance and foreplay. Though Roxy knows there’s something to be said for the soup and salad, pardon her if she just wants to sink her teeth into the steak once in a while.

On our campus, there may have been some award-winning sex going on, but it seems like no one enjoys talking about it except Roxy and the SHPRC. If we all would just share our stories, techniques and blunders, we’d all be better prepared when the time comes again. And again and again and again.

The movie industry could also help make sex a less taboo subject, but if the 2006 movies nominated for Oscars are any indication, films are in general doing no such thing. In short, Roxy won’t be watching the Oscars this year, because none of the following films will be represented.

“Employee of the Mouth” — Her coworkers loooove her

“V for Vagina” — Shaved onscreen!

“Fireballs” — Any volunteers to put out?

“Grandma’s Toy” — Truly a family jewel

“Lick” — Just slow down and relax

“Farmyard: The Original Party Animals” — A feature-length time-lapse photo of Roxy’s bed

“Yeast” — What everyone should know

“Waist Peep” — Come a little closer, it doesn’t bite

“Just My Fuck” — And she’ll take it now, please

“Eight Below the Belt” — Sometimes one really isn’t enough

“Night at the Mausoleum” — Some like it hot, some like it cold

“Thicker Man” — Mmm mm mmmm

“Mate Movie” — Perfect for those who need a little help to get in the mood

“Don’t Come Knocking Up” — She’s not in it for your amazing genes

“A Tale of Two Titties” — Explore lush valleys and towering peaks

“Take the Seed” — Please?

“Pulsate” — Harder...faster...it’s alive!

“American Hardcock” — Studies show that 20% of men in the US are, um, going soft

“Boy’s Fly” — A very hands-on film experience

“Happy Cheat” — If no one knows, no one gets hurt

“The Fast Kiss” — And then straight to the goods, Roxy-style

“Taking and Entering” — It’s not a crime

“The Pursuit of Sexyness” — Sometimes it takes a while

“The Good Firm-Man” — A good man is hard to find

“Deck the Balls” — After all, ‘tis the season

“The Queef” — It’s perfectly normal

“The Shagging Dog” — Truly man’s best friend

“A Guide To Recognizing Your Clitoris” — We could all use one of these

Roxy thinks you get the idea. Feel free to join her in boycotting the Oscars until they decide to bring sexy back. REAL sexy, not *caress* *kiss* *grope* *screen shot to ocean and setting sun.* Wake up, America! That is NOT what people want to see! Show us how it’s done in true Hollywood style. We’re paying you enough money for it.

So, if you want to see some real sex scenes in only the quality movies, Roxy encourages you to hold your own porno Oscars. You’ll learn a lot more than you will from watching other people decide what movies didn’t suck. At all, because movie stars don’t do that sort of thing, of course. Questions or comments: Write Roxy Sass at roxysass.daily@gmail.com.