I believe that somewhere buried beneath the surface of the earth in a heavily fortified underground lair, the terrorists are cashing in on Valentine’s Day. There can be no other explanation for why every year, millions of Americans (specifically male) crack open their wallets and shell out huge wads of cash on inane and meaningless gifts, flowers and ritzy dinners. Valentine’s Day is no longer the wholesome, love-filled lovable holiday of yesteryear — it is the battleground upon which mankind (and specifically man kind) wages a never-ending fight against an unbeatable foe.

Why are the terrorists behind this plot? By process of elimination, the answer is simple. Certainly it could not be the female segment of the population. Although they benefit the most from a material standpoint, they have to reciprocate in direct correlation to the size and cost of the gift — at least that’s the theory men subscribe to and one that is quite distasteful if the “Vagina Monologues” is to be believed.

While many have theorized to the contrary, the mega-corporate monster known as Hallmark is also not behind Valentine’s Day. Sure they make millions of dollars selling blood-tinged paraphernalia printed with the most saccharine messages imaginable (“I wuv you,” indeed) but in actuality, it doesn’t add up. Every year, men have to purchase increasingly more ornate and expensive gifts in order to keep their partners happy. Eventually, this ever expanding bubble will burst and Hallmark will be left without a junkie to whom they can peddle their poisons. It’s simple economics . . . or so I’m told since I’m an English major.

So again, why terrorists? Because they have the most to gain. Have you ever heard of Valentine’s Day in Soviet Russia? No. Granted, this may be because terrorism as we know it today did not exist in its current form during the Cold War. Nevertheless, there is no Valentine’s Day in Soviet Russia. Air-tight argument, if I do say so myself.

Cupid is not a baby with bow that makes you fall in love. Cupid is a terrorist with an explosive-tipped arrow waiting to pierce the heart and soul of America.

The terrorists don’t care about love. They only want to create chaos. What better way to create chaos amongst an organized society (the U.S.A. . . . that’s “us” with an extra A) than to sneakily convince half of the country’s population that if they don’t purchase something, their partner will break up them and leave them dejected and in the rain?

The threat of a scolding from a girlfriend whose boyfriend just forgot to get flowers plants the very seed from which full-blown pandemonium erupts. While the hapless boyfriend concentrates on soothing the girlfriend’s hurt emotions (i.e., hatred,) he is clearly not going to be doing his work, right? What if he works in say, the Pentagon? His distraction while trying to abate his girlfriend’s anger sets up all kinds of mental and emotional roadblocks, weighing down our country’s terror fighting ability. That’s a massive breach in national security that the terrorists are just waiting to exploit.

So, America — listen up. This Valentine’s Day, do your God-given duty to your country and refuse to buy into the terrorist plot. Ignore the fact that I will be cold, alone and without the possibility for companionship and realize that I am telling you the unadulterated truth. And to the girlfriends out there — don’t let your boyfriends buy you anything. If you let them buy you a Valentine’s gift/card/chocolate/bundle of flowers/diamond necklace, the terrorists win.