Let’s take this moment to honor the presidents of the United States. Done yet? Good, because Roxy and (she thinks) any red-blooded, firm-buttocked woman or man would absolutely hate to be president, at least as the job is currently understood. Talk about a libido-killing profession. Look at what happened to Bill! What a waste of all those secret passages and hidden rooms in the White House.

So Roxy gives you permission to forget about Presidents’ Day. Really, it’s fine! Ignore the nagging voice of your fifth grade teacher that forever echoes in your head, and just enjoy that blessed day off for what it really is — a day off.

And if you get a moment, pray — or whatever it is that you do when you want something — that, someday, we’ll get someone sexy in the Oval Office. Barack Obama would be a good start, but definitely not up to Roxy’s standards (which, contrary to popular belief, are actually quite lofty).

Roxy’s not going to lie. She would prefer a sexy woman to hold this prestigious office as soon as possible. But, in today’s political climate, it’s unlikely that, if a woman did make it to the highest office in the land, she would be — or at least allowed to be — very sexy at all. Politics seem to require women to renounce their sexuality: Look at Condi or Hil. So Roxy will settle for a sexy man, at least for now.

Roxy firmly believes if our president were jaw- and-pants-dropping sexy, many improvements would sweep our society.

First of all, that ridiculous abstinence-only sex education would be already abolished. Roxy does not even want to know what president came up with that. It’s statistically proven that those areas in which abstinence-only sex education flourishes have higher teen pregnancy rates. Eek. A president comfortable with his (or her!) own sexuality and sex appeal would recognize sex as a universal drive once those tweenies hit puberty, and stop trying to pretend they’ll never learn about it if it’s not taught in the classroom.

Second, Roxy assumes that a sexy president would take a good look at Europe, which is way sexier than most things we’ve got in America. Aside from the whole lack of deodorant and showers, Europeans achieve, on the whole, a degree of sexiness unrivaled in most of America. Among the ideas that a sexy American president (unfortunately, that’s still only a movie) could adopt from Europe are:

1. Comfort with images of nudity and sexuality in the media. Grow up already! What is the big deal about Janet Jackson’s nipple? And don’t even try to tell Roxy that nudity hurts family values — where do you think families come from? Instead of distracting Americans with talk about deteriorating family values, a sexy president would tackle real issues, such as Social Security and the war in Iraq.

2. The revolutionary concept that men can dress nicely and touch each other without necessarily being “gay.” The metrosexual movement is getting there, but imagine if we had a president who adhered to those laws of fashion, instead of one who gave unsolicited neck massages at international conferences. Roxy would swoon right into his well-manicured, smoothly-lotioned hands. And then he’d (or she’d!) probably legalize gay marriage — finally!

3. Openness in the porn and prostitution industries. It’s kind of like: You’re not going to eliminate the world’s oldest recreational activity by refusing to talk about it, and you’re not going to bring the world’s oldest industry to a screeching halt by forcing it underground. By recognizing the existence of sex for sale, a sexy president could regulate and sanitize a prominent sector of our society. Then maybe the United States would stop being one of the largest importers of Eastern European sex slaves worldwide, and actually start to make money off of a veritable government-regulated industry.

Adopting these sexy ideas from Europe and elsewhere would gain the States wider global popularity and improve our foreign relations, solve a variety of domestic issues and in general make America a sexier place to be. Do you need a higher calling? Activism is part of the college experience for many people. If you haven’t been drawn to any causes yet, Roxy hopes she’s inspired you to make a change in our society. Do you believe? Roxy believes. Want to join the sex revolution? Email Roxy Sass at roxysass.daily@gmail.com.