Although Roxy Sass may claim that Valentine’s Day is all about luring some tipsy frat boy into your room to temporarily fill your heart (and bed), the truth of the matter is that this holiday is about love. No, not Facebook “In a Relationship”-style love — let’s face it, at any given time that’s one wall post away from complete annihilation — or the love that feminists apparently have for going off on diatribes about their vaginas. I’m talking about the one eternal love on this earth, the only one made to last: the love between man and himself - or woman and herself, for that matter.

And none of this late-’90s-style “know thyself from within” schlock. You can do that on your own time. I’m talking about masturbation — the national pastime of guilty Catholic schoolboys and electrical engineering grad students. Although it’s gotten some flak over the years, masturbation is both fun and healthy. It clears your pores, is one of the all-time great stress relievers and, depending on how into yourself you are, is an enjoyable alternative to going to the gym.

You may not be in a relationship or snare a fortuitous one-night stand, but we all have a chance of getting some on Valentine’s Day. So here are the top five songs to get yourself in the mood:

Honorable mention: “I Touch Myself” — The Divinyls. You and I both know this is the best song about masturbation recorded in all of human history. But putting it on the list would be like if the National Enquirer featured Tori Spelling in their “Knifestyles of the Rich and Famous” issue: too obvious.

5. “Dancing With Myself” — Billy Idol. Although Billy has alternately denied and confirmed rumors that this song is about masturbation, the lyrics speak for themselves: “Well I wait so long for my love vibration / And I’m dancing with myself.” Don’t worry, Billy. If I were you, I’d be dancing with myself, too.

4. “It’s Only Me (Wizard of Magicland)” — Barenaked Ladies. This feel-good pop number talks about masturbation not just as the last refuge of the solitary loser, but a legitimate relationship with yourself: “They say you’ll never love another ‘til you love yourself / Well, brother I’m in love with everyone I see.” Plus, if you’re running low in the fantasy department, you can use the band’s name as a springboard. It’s a two-for-one bonus for one-on-one fun!

3. “Turning Japanese” — The Vapors. Urban lore (and Wikipedia) has it that the title of this song refers to the face many men make during climax: eyes squinted and lip curled up to reveal incisors. Lyrics like “I’ve got your picture, I’ve got your picture / I’d like a million of them all ‘round my cell” corroborate this suspicion.

2. “Blister in the Sun” — Violent Femmes. This masturbation classic is, above all else, just a wonderful song to crank up and sing along to. But there’s no mistaking its subject when the big-handed singer screams: “Body and beats, I stain my sheets / I don’t even know why.” Um, I think we know why.

1. “Longview” — Green Day. Arguably the single greatest self-love anthem of all time, Green Day singer Billie Joe Armstrong summed it up in an interview: “It’s about boredom, masturbation and smoking dope” - a typical tale of suburban life. Amidst the pumping bass line and catchy chorus, Billie Joe belts out an aphorism that not even Oscar Wilde could top: “When masturbation’s lost its fun you’re fucking lazy.” Truer words were ne’er spoken.

So whether you’re spending your V-Day with friends, a lover or studying in Meyer, steal a few minutes to make a new iPod playlist and take some well-deserved “you time.” You don’t even have to buy yourself flowers and a card first.