“What if he rides behind you all the way home but never pulls up beside you...and you thought you were friends?!”

“PWR corrupts.”

“...And some of you are scared stiff of mathematics. OK, calculus!”

“You look like a cow. I mean, a very cute cow. One who is loved very much by its child owners.”

“Were they real strippers, or just Tri-Delts?”

“We need to put a stamp on every girl under 16 that says “NO, MAVERICK!”

“How soap opera-y would that be? Fantastic!”

“Was the calculus handed down from the heavens? Well, yes, the heavens in that case being Newton and Leibniz...”

“I came away from the shoot reeking of onions. I have great sympathy for television chefs.”

“Fresh off the bus! Damn, that’s still FOB...”

“We’ll leave that to the math department, which is about 100 meters away. For most of you, that’s probably a good thing. Close enough, right?”

“He’s not quite what I thought he was when he takes his clothes off.”

“Every now and then I go to this trashy conservative Web site. I just feel dirty, man, like I’m going to a brothel.”

“Once a douchebag, always a douchebag. Squeeze you, and douche will come out.”

“I’m having an atrociously bad hair day. It’s all limp and unmanageable and feathery. I’m debating chopping it all off. What do you think, ladies?”

“Drunk calls are good.”

“What is an idea unexpressed? Man, what a high thing to say...”

“The coolest guy in your dorm is the most insecure guy you’ve ever met. Underneath our clothes, we’re all insecure. Except me, because I’m Shakira.”

“If you do that for me, I can make you veeeeery happy.”