“Hey, what’s Boring Girl’s real name?”

“I don’t remember. I just call her Boring Girl.”

“To her face?”

“Why would I want to talk to her? She’s boring.”

Tall female with very curly hair wearing a black spaghetti-strap dress talking with a female wearing a black, sleeved dress and a gold and black bracelet. On the Marguerite to Senior Semi-Formal. 11:07 p.m.

“A drink for $12? I could have bought blow for that much money.”

Brunette in black halter dress, next to the bar at the Senior Semi-Formal. 11:52 p.m.

“Why don’t you just wear flip-flops.”

“Because that wouldn’t match my outfit.”

“You’re wearing a blue trash bag. Why don’t you pick up a guy and ask him if he wants to go back to your dumpster or his?”

“Whatever. The bag comes off when we get there.”

“You look like a homeless Cookie Monster.”

Brown-haired guy with a borderline bowl-cult, wearing jeans and a black jacket talking to a girl wearing a garbage bag and bag-booties. The Upper Row. 11:12 p.m.

“I’m from LA, so to me sorority girls are bleached-out, cracked-out sluts. But it’s totally different here. I’m thinking about rushing.”

“Which sorority?”

“Pi Phi.”

Uh-huh. Girl in gold sparkly top, white wifebeater and black pants, standing in the tap room at Kappa Sigma. 11:22 p.m.

“I’m definitely not going to hook up with her.”

“She’s pretty hot, though.”

“Yeah, but pretty girls know it, so they make you work for it. It’s like fucking a La-Z-Boy.”

“A hot La-Z-boy.”

Overheard in top-floor bathroom of Kappa Sig. 11:31 p.m. Identities concealed by bathroom stalls.

“Speaking of sexual acts, I was talking to my mother about my hand job. And she was like, ‘Oh no, now I have to worry about both your sister’s boob job and your hand job.’ That’s why I’ve lost so much weight.”

Verbatim. I promise. Blond, tall guy at Kairos. 12:01 a.m.