Upon first glance, it would seem like being a sports fan is quite easy. It’s basically just sit, watch, and cheer.

Unfortunately, there are many people who manage to screw it up. For example, I’m sure many of you have been lambasted by righteous Stanford football fans in the Red Zone for not standing at some point during the game. I would completely understand this if the situation occurred while we were on defense, and we needed to try and use our collective force to rattle the opposing team’s offense.

However, people are being yelled at for sitting down while Stanford is on offense, or even worse, after a timeout.

The people doing the yelling think of themselves as the “Alpha fans,” the ones who know what is best for all the rest of the supporters. But these people often have no idea what they are doing themselves. Why should we stand up and cheer when our team is on offense?

It makes far more sense to be quiet so that the players can listen for the playcall and any possible audibles. And maybe it’s just me, but I don’t see what standing during a timeout accomplishes, besides making it harder for the players to concentrate on the instructions they’re receiving.

So, in remembrance of a Bill Simmons column I once read entitled “The 20 most annoying baseball fans,” I decided to list out the sports fans I generally find most annoying. Some of my choices are inspired by Simmons’ column, but I have encountered all of these fans, and they are all truly annoying. So in no particular order, seven other fans who rank alongside the “Alpha fan” in their annoyingness:

— The Loud Drunk — At one game or another, we’ve all probably sat near someone (or multiple people) who has had way too much to drink. Not only does this guy ramble on and on about things completely unrelated to the game at hand, but it sounds like he’s trying to communicate with people ten sections over. On the bright side, one of these fellows once offered to buy me a beer. Unfortunately, I was 10 years old.

— Standing-up-and-waving-while-on-cell-phone guy — There are two variations of this fellow.

The first is the one who is trying to help someone else in the stadium find him. A noble objective, but sadly, this person seems to forget something: crazy as it may seem, stadiums are generally organized into sections, rows, seats, etc. Unless the person on the other end of the phone has not passed first-grade math, they should be able to find you quite easily just given your seat information — there’s no need to stand up, wave, and block the view of everyone sitting behind you! The other variation of this guy is the one who is talking to someone watching the game on TV, and is trying to wave at the camera. I think no further explanation is necessary.

— Obnoxious opposing fan — I have nothing against supporting your team away from home, but you have to recognize that you are at someone else’s home. There’s no reason to jump around and scream after every time your team does something good (anyone at the basketball exhibition game against Concordia on Monday can tell you how annoying this is.) On another note, how awesome would it be to kill two birds with one stone by getting the Loud Drunk into a fight with this guy, and having both of them thrown out of the stadium? I’m definitely going to have to try that one day.

— Mr. Way-too-into-timeout-shows — You know when during timeouts, some teams have cheerleaders throw T-shirts and such into the crowd? I was in one of these moments one time when I was eight years old. I stood in excitement as what was going to be my first caught T-shirt sailed right towards me. As it was a foot away from my hands though, I was bowled over by an elbow flying from above my head. I looked up to see a guy in his 20s high-fiving his friends with the T-shirt in his hand. I think you can guess why I hate this fan.

— The moron trying to sound knowledgeable — There is almost nothing worse than someone sitting behind you and constantly spouting nonsense while thinking that he is being extremely insightful. I remember attending one basketball game where the guy behind me waxed poetically for ten straight minutes about some player’s “speed-to-finesse” ratio. Obviously he was not aware of his speech’s immense “stupidity-to-insight” ratio.

— The guy who is in love with ‘the wave’ — If you try to start ‘the wave’ twice and it doesn’t work, just give up. In fact, the more you plead with us to do it with you, the less likely we are to oblige, no matter how cool you say it will be.

— The bandwagoner — This fan is a bit different from the previous ones, but is probably my least favorite of them all. Two months ago, they couldn’t name a single player on their supposed favorite team. Now, all of a sudden (and magically coinciding with the team’s playoff run), they proclaim to be their team’s biggest fan. For some reason, these fans always seem to be sitting in great seats too, which puts their annoying quotient almost through the roof.