Bears are not funny. Bears are horrifying. They are very large, have far more teeth than is strictly necessary and can ride a unicycle faster than a man. Their only natural predator is the dirigible. Freed from this fear by recent downturns in lighter-than-air vehicle futures, they spend their time shambling about the woods and ripping out the spines of lost hikers in a protracted act of vengeance against the California State Lottery Commission. No bear has ever won the lottery.

Nevertheless, bears’ reign of terror, much like that of Genghis Khan or ABBA, has proved a historically significant force. Bears fill our past and, consequently, our cultural imagination, with their hazily belligerent eyes, their cutlery-sized claws and their bewildering tendency to chase us through the halls of the Library of Congress while singing Earth, Wind & Fire B-sides until we wake up in a cold sweat on a couch next to a strange woman with a name tag reading “Steve.” What follows is a list of the more significant of these terrible creatures.

Fictional Bears

The Three Bears

In his seminal work on fairy tales “The Uses of Enchantment,” Freudian psychologist Bruno Bettelheim suggests that the three bears represent puberty, Goldilocks represents sexual awakening and the porridge represents the Weimar Republic. And masturbation.

Fuzzy Wuzzy

The twist ending of this popular children’s rhyme (“Fuzzy wuzzy wasn’t fuzzy, was he?) is said to have inspired the 1995 film “The Usual Suspects.”

Baloo

Bears don’t sing, Mr. Disney.

John Irving’s Bears

Bears pop up in at least three of the bestselling author’s novels, joining other recurring elements in Irving’s work such as Phillips-Exeter, prostitutes, wrestling, racquetball, sexual deviance, amputation, Vienna, car accidents, missing parents and relationships with older women. Scholars have recently determined that he has, in fact, been publishing the same novel over and over again since the mid ‘70s, sometimes not even bothering to change the name (see “The World According to Garp,” 1978; “The World According to Garp,” 1986; “The World According to Garp,” 1989).

The Berenstain Bears

While the Berenstain family was featured in its own book series and television program, it is perhaps best known for its video game spinoff, “Extreme Sports with the Berenstain Bears,” rated “What? Really?” by ign.com and “This can’t be a real thing (it is a real thing)” by Electronic Gamer Monthly.

Winnie the Pooh

A Bear of Very Little Brain.

The Exit-Pursuing Bear

A product of one of Shakespeare’s greatest stage directions (“Exit, pursued by a bear,” “A Winter’s Tale”), second only in quality to “Hamlet”’s “Everbody [sic] dies.”

Factual Bears

Smokey Bear

Rescued from a New Mexico wildfire by forest rangers, the real-life Smokey was a popular fixture in the lives of regional National Park workers, well-liked for his sunny disposition, mischievous ways and pathological hatred of fire. He coexisted happily with a family of four until Hanukkah came around, at which point he reverted to his natural savagery and, after tearing the limbs off his caretakers, invested heavily in fire extinguishers.

Owsley “Bear” Stanley

Soundman for the Grateful Dead and producer of staggering amounts of acid, Owsley was nicknamed “Bear” in reference to the iconic “marching bear” images he stamped on sheets of LSD. Also, he ate Bill Kreutzmann.

The Teddy Bear

This popular toy originated from the story of one of President Theodore Roosevelt’s hunting trips. His friends, having treed a bear, suggested that Roosevelt shoot the animal. The President refused on the grounds that to do so would be unsportsmanlike, opting instead to kill every Filipino over the age of ten.

Gummi Bears

Delicious.

The Dancing Bear

A cruel medieval circus archetype (cf. unicycling bear), this strangely compelling figure both appeals to our inherent vindictive need to see the majestic reduced to the ridiculous. Plus, it’s just plain hilarious. That bear thinks it’s people!

Ursa Major and Ursa Minor

Widely recognized by astronomers as the dumbest constellations, these stars resemble bears in much the same way that a volleyball net resembles “Les Demoiselles d’Avignon,” which is to say only in the case of a very painstakingly crafted and impractical volleyball net.

Albert the Bear, First Margrave of Brandenburg

Best Margrave ever.

Metaphorical Bears

The Russian Bear

One of the more respected cultural mascots — vastly superior to John Bull and Uncle Sam, and only narrowly edged out of the top spot by the University of Delaware Blue Hen.

The Bear Market

Unpopular at cocktail parties and social luncheons, the bear market spends much of its time at home, playing solitaire and devaluing the dollar.

The Bear That May or May Not Shit in the Woods

The subject of an enormously frustrating question that has inspired any number of ultimately unsuccessful research efforts. Most scientists have abandoned this conundrum as a lost cause, instead devoting their time to examining whether or not the Pope is Catholic.

The California Golden Bear

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