Hi, I’m Vishnu Sridharan. You may remember me from such columns as “Has Anyone Seen My Cell Phone? It’s Grey and Says Verizon on It,” and “Athletic, Funny ABCD Looking for Athletic, Funny ABCD: Mirrors Welcome.”

Today, I’m here to talk about a topic that I’m sure is on a number of your minds, especially with law school application deadlines rapidly approaching: how to get into Stanford Law School. If the topic isn’t on your minds, it should be, because you probably don’t have the commitment to isolation and irrelevancy that it takes to be a Ph.D. student, and your MCAT scores are likely too low to get into a ‘Top 10” med school, which is all your fragile ego can tolerate. (For those of you thinking about an M.B.A., don’t fret, one comes in the mail every Thursday along with Safeway coupons — the coupons being the more useful).

Luckily for you, as someone who once was and still is in your shoes — I’m a public interest lawyer, my shoes are in tatters — I can tell you the four key factors to getting into SLS:

1. The LSAT.

Contrary to the advice that the Kaplanites or Reviewers from Princetonia might give, I think the key to owning the LSAT is focusing on form over substance. When all is said and done, certain letter combinations are more likely to be correct than others. No-brainers include ‘ACE’, which is how you’re trying perform on the test, ‘ABE’, America’s most beloved lawyer-president, and, since you’re trying to get into law school, ‘AA’ will be clutch. Ones to avoid: ‘EEC’, for its onomatopoeic similarity to “EEK!”, ‘CAD’, which, as OED tells us, means ‘A fellow of low vulgar manners and behavior’, and, of course, ‘BAD’. (BTW, if you have ‘OED’ on your answer sheet, you have more serious problems that I can address).

2. The Personal Statement.

Keep it short.

For best effect I would leave it at that, but since I get paid by the word, I’ll elaborate. The people who review your application have thousands of essays to read, and you don’t want to bore them like everyone else will. To really stick out from the pack, I suggest limiting your personal statement to one sentence; if you have a lot to say, you can use a colon and parentheses. For instance, one of the best personal statements I’ve come across read simply: “I taste great and I’m less filling (that’s what she said): Maybe I’m born with it, maybe it’s Maybelline.”

3. Letters of Recommendation.

You’re right in thinking that your recommendations usually don’t mean anything to those reviewing your file, and that they will most likely be set on fire in order to more easily light larger things on fire. That being said, in cases of tie-breakers between two applicants, reviewers are known to whip these out and see whose is longer, so be prepared.

I think the best way to get a memorable recommendation is to have either your mom or that kid you bullied in grade school write it. Moms are good because nothing says ‘something that the reviewer won’t get from the rest of your application’ like that story about the time you self-defecated in your youth-soccer league match and kept running while it trickled down your leg and everyone thought it was mud until you slide-tackled that kid and he fell face-first onto your fecal-mud legs. Priceless!

If at all possible, though, I’d go with a recommendation from the kid you physically abused and robbed in elementary school. I mean, what could better show that you have the qualities to make a good lawyer?

4. Stop riding your bikes in the SLS arcade!

We have cameras, and we’re wiretapping your phone. While you’re at it, get out of our library. You may have always wanted to visit France, but I doubt you’ll enjoy it as much when it’s just a short layover on your SLS-sponsored trip to Ethiopia for some ‘enhanced interrogation’.

So, that’s the high and low of the application process. Have you been listening, you lovely law school aspirants? Are you in yet?

That’s what she said. (BTW, I was.)