As a college student, you are now alone and friendless. If you fall, no one will pick you up again. In fact, if the nearest passerby happens to be pre-med, he or she will probably kick you in various sensitive areas, like the inferior pharyngeal constrictor or the groin. Dust will eventually cake over your screaming face, frozen in a rictus of pain and frustration. You will not be able to take advantage of Student Discount Day.

But this transition to a new world of self-sufficiency doesn’t just happen — you need to prepare. And is there any better way to do so than by listening to some snarky SLE kid tell you fun home remedies and do-it-yourself solutions for certain common problems? Absolutely. But look how much you’ve read already! Are you going to just waste all that effort?

HOW TO:

Cure a sore throat

Some say to gargle salt water, others to take spoonfuls of honey and vinegar and still others to drink chamomile tea. It’s worth noting that they say all of these things hoarsely.

Alleviate a headache

Dabbing essential oils (cinnamon and lavender being favorites) on the temples is supposed to help, as is the consumption of apples and lemons. Certain very confused experts recommend enemas. Another traditional remedy is Tylenol.

Prevent a sunburn from peeling

According to one well-informed individual, smearing yogurt on a sunburn will cool and soothe the skin, lessening the peeling that may follow severe sun exposure. This individual is also my editor, meaning I am obliged to include this remedy without side comments.

Prevent scurvy

If you are a pirate, you will be glad to know that this horrific ailment has a very simple and well-known cure: Indian Gooseberry.

Clean a dirty refrigerator

Wipe it down with vinegar

Wash a thermos

Fill the thermos with baking soda dissolved in warm water.

Create a volcano

Wash a thermos while you are cleaning a dirty refrigerator.

Polish copper

While some may recommend acidic/abrasive combinations, such as lemon juice and salt, this sort of cleanser is more than likely too harsh for the sort of fine copperware you’ll be dealing with. It’s best to stick to commercial copper-polishing paste.

Hang glide

Strap yourself into a glider and run down a moderate slope. Use the shift control bar to control pitch and roll. Approach ground slowly and stall to land. That’s it. Try it at home.

Iron wrinkled clothes

I came up with this one myself: take the clothes that need ironing into the bathroom and lay them out on a flat surface. Turn the shower on all the way. Once the room has filled with steam, repeatedly slam Volume I of the Oxford English Dictionary (A-Baznuki) down on the wrinkles. This will flatten out any significant crumpled areas while causing only minimal structural damage. It’s a good option for people who are afraid of burning holes into their clothes with an actual iron.

Treat a hangover

You’ll hear a lot of kooky remedies for this one, like “drink water,” or “eat,” but there’s still no substitute for good ol’ heroin.

Fix broken furniture

Your residence should have a toolkit available for loan. Do not use it. In fact, avoid it at all costs, as even approaching it will raise suspicion. Take the broken item and hide it somewhere. If the broken item is a shelf, hide it in the closet. If the broken item is the closet, hide it on a shelf. If the broken item is neither of these things, dump it in Roble Pool. At the end of the year, deny that the item ever existed. Hell, you don’t know why they didn’t put a bed in there, but sleeping on the floor sure cleared up your sciatica!

Sew rips in clothing

The actual sewing is not particularly difficult — pin the rip together, set strips of basting tape along the site you’ll be stitching, diagonally cut a length of thread, draw it across a wax candle, tie a double overhand or a stevedore’s knot in one end of the thread to prevent slipping. Then, thread it through a needle by wetting the cut end of the strand, stitch across the rip with close spacing, pulling it tight enough with each stitch to close the gap but not so tight that the fabric bunches, and, once you’ve finished the job, close it off with another stopper knot.

The real hard part for most of us is finding something to use as thread. Fortunately, you have an untapped supply of thread material in your very own room: simply pluck the hairs from your roommate’s nascent unibrow as he sleeps (hope you brought tweezers!), tie them into longer, workable strands using a series of double sheetbends and plait these filaments together to form a surprisingly durable thread, suitable for mending, embroidery and, in certain prisons, surgery. In the spring, woolly caterpillars serve as another natural, abundant source of fibers.

Get stains out

There is no way to get stains out.