I’ve been fired. Well, not so much fired; rather “They” have failed to renew my contract. (Actually, I don’t have a contract; I’m just an unpaid worker who slaves away for love, duty and honor, but I’m sure you get the idea.)

I’m unloved and unwanted (also, unwedded, unwarranted, unwaxed and unwashed - sorry, was playing with dictionary.com). Cast aside to make way for a younger generation. From the giddy heights of weekly publication I’ve been kicked back to the ranks of the general public. No longer can I soar above the herd; I must, once again, live amongst you.

This is column 108 (9 less than Master Christian Holt: damn you Holt, damn you). In my writings I’ve tried to touch on such diverse topics as: why my life sucks, how my life sucks and what, in particular, sucks in my life. It is true that some have interpreted this breadth as a lack of focus, but I see the variety of my interests as one of my greatest strengths.

I had great plans for my final year as a Daily columnist. So much to write about, so much to share. I am, after all, a genius, and before leaving I wanted to share a little more wisdom with you, in order to enrich your meaningless, insignificant lives.

However, do not fret at your loss. Since much of what I write is filler to keep my word consuming masters satiated (the ads look so much better if framed by earnest-looking text), maybe I can give you a condensed sample of the kind of mental stimulation you could have expected over the year.

So, here we go — a lightning tour of at least some of what I had left to say.

The Illusion of Diversity. Despite being planted in the tolerance fairyland of North America, Stanford can be a little bit moronic when it comes to variety. 87 internally homogenous groups are not diverse, that requires mixing with one another. Go on, give it go.

I Hate You. So long as you cap it at mild dislike, hate is really the only intellectually serious way to deal with the vagaries of modern life. Especially the existence of undergraduates.

Stanford is Corrupt. Now, to be honest, I am sort of making this up, but if you can’t make shit up in a student newspaper, what good is it? And, Stanford should be corrupt — a $3 billion budget and no independent checks and balances... If there’s no corruption, then the high esteem in which I hold the university bureaucracy is going to swiftly vanish.

I Want My Friends to Fail. This is a pretty self-explanatory; other people’s successes upset me. And when I say upset, I mean that when my peers win prizes and get jobs I feel physically sick. And don’t pretend that you’re not the same.

Global Warming is a Hoax. Nah, not really, but I got you for sec. Plus, a title like that would get me a good half dozen emails.

Have More Sex. It’s almost a pointless truism but really, we should all humping as much as humanly possible. After all, it’s not like the opportunities increase as you get older. Moreover (and this has been bothering me for years) sex is both safe (so long as you’re not an idiot) and good (so long as you’re not an idiot). Also, I wrote this column last year (it was censored as too hot for publication) and I’m not one to waste.

I could go on, there is, after all, so much wisdom to share. But, honestly, I’m tired and Monday night TV is about to kick off. More importantly, I feel like I should take this opportunity to say goodbye to my loyal readership. Of course, said loyal readership doesn’t actually exist — even my friends stopped reading years ago when I started repeating topics.

It’s quite upsetting really, after all these years the only person that really cares about my weekly words is me. But hey, at least that means I have the intellectual audience tied up...

On a final note, I thought I’d give you all the quick version of my capstone column for The Daily; I’ve been working on it for the last couple of years (beats research). It’s my final word on grad school.

Failure. A lot of people will tell you that the key to life is success. That humanity is built on achievements and triumphs. Bullshit. Society is built on failure. Of course it’s true that in the one, two, five, six or twenty-three years spent earning your graduate degree, you’re invariably failing humanity and yourself, whilst achieving nothing. But as you do so you are the building blocks of human progress.

It may take talent to succeed, but it takes cojones to fail. And more to pick yourself up, in order to fail again. And again. And again.

Any idiot can get a well-paying job. Find a charming and engaging spouse. Have beautiful, adorable children. And coast through life with a smile on his face and a decent credit rating. However, it takes real dedication to never give up on unhappiness and an objective lack of status.

And that’s what I want you to take away from my c. 80,000 words. Be miserable. Be unhappy. Be bitter and be twisted. And above all, embrace failure.