Esteemed Members of the Beard Growing Community (and others)

By the time you read this, we will be nine days into the new year, and with it, nine days into one of the most magnificent celebrations in the history of human existence: a period of extended facial hair growth that lasts from the very beginning of Januhairy until the close of Februhairy. During this two-month holiday, participants in the celebration make their best efforts to avoid shaving at all costs, welcoming hair onto their bodies and into their lives.

Perhaps you have noticed that Stanford campus has grown slightly hairier as of late; perhaps you have not. Regardless, I think it important that you are aware of this holiday and its nature. It traces its roots back to the dawn of human history, when the earliest Homo sapiens struggled through blisteringly cold winters. Battered by icy winds, humans cultivated thick beards in an effort to insulate their faces. It is in honor of their efforts that we celebrate Januhairy and Februhairy; we commemorate their fortitude by growing beards of our own, since our entire existence is contingent upon their survival. Of course, some humans today continue this tradition in its most authentic vein, beginning their beards when the days begin to shorten as Autumn draws to a close. But for many, Januhairy and Februhairy are the most practical means of celebration.

So let this also stand as an open invitation to any and all who want to join in this crusade. But do not underestimate the magnitude of the challenge you will face. After all, abstaining from the razor for a two-month period is no easy task. Itchiness, being snubbed by the ladies, and death are potential roadblocks that might deter you from reaching the ultimate goal. Yet you mustn’t let such petty concerns impede your progress as beard-growers. Growing a beard is the ultimate means of transcendence to a higher state of being. It matters not if it is dense as the Amazon or sparse like the Siberian tundra. What matters is the effort. When the clock strikes twelve on Februhairy 28, you will realize this, and you will revel in the glory of your accomplishment.

Finally, I feel obligated to point out that participation in Januhairy and Februhairy is the best way to prepare for Moustache March. But that is an entirely different subject.

Nicolai Schlag

Junior, Earth Systems