[Web editor's note: This originally ran on March 15, 2006; due to a website error it is now appearing under the wrong date. We are working to fix the problem.]

This week our intrepid near-vegetarians, weary from midterms and eager to save fossil fuels, decided to investigate a dining option close to home yet shrouded in intrigue and mystery — Branner dining.

Liebner, as a proud member of the class of ‘Ohhhhhhh6, missed out on the mythic pleasures of Branner, refurbished during her freshmen year. Louk, as a transfer student, was never even freshman-eligible. However, having heard good things about it his sophomore year, he and other renegade Stern residents traipsed by the dozens over to Branner to enjoy a brand-new dining hall with goblet-sized soda glasses and amazing faire.

Eager to relive his sophomore experience, Louk brought Liebner to the vaulted ceiling, chandelier-clad dining room. Although it was 6:15 p.m., the Wilbur rush time, the dining hall seemed to be clearing out.

As Louk and Liebner approached the ‘servery’ (yes, we’re still in a torrid love affair with the word), they were greeted with shock and awe by names-changed-to-protect-the-innocent Elizabeth, an RA in Branner.

“What are you guys doing here?!” she asked.

Vaguely vegetarian and therefore generally optimistic and naive about life, Liebner and Louk assumed that Elizabeth was surprised and excited to see them. How mistaken they were. Instead, she warned them in horror to go back whence they came — the food at Branner isn’t good anymore.

After explaining they were actually there on column review business rather than pleasure, Liebner and Louk made their way into the servery...

...and were immediately under-whelmed. The dining hall didn’t seem to serve a lot of food, let alone vegetarian food. Liebner observed that the lentils, were, well, lame, but the only source of vegetarian protein at Branner. As Liebner cased the joint for other protein options, the more pessimistic Louk headed straight for the burger station — hoping, like in countless previous Stanford dining occasions, the gardenburger would rescue Louk from an otherwise protein-free meal.

When Louk saw no gardenburgers laying out for consumption, he assumed that meant Branner made them fresh to order. He eagerly asked the chef to whip him up a gardenburger.

“A what?” the cook asked.

“Gardenburger?” He looked puzzled, then asked another cook. Apparently, they didn’t have that.

“Boca burger?,” Louk followed up, with his best “please-sir-can-I-have-s’more” Oliver Twist face. And just as in a Dickens novel, this too he was denied. With one “Never heard of that” from the chef, all of Louk’s hopes, dreams and aspirations for Branner dining came crashing down.

Meanwhile, Liebner was making an equally fruitless (literally — where were the fresh fruit options?!) expedition through Branner’s measly salad bar. No spinach, scant options and worst of all, no tofu! Liebner came up equally short at the pasta bar — the spaghetti with meat sauce wasn’t going to cut it, and the pasta with creamy pesto sauce was almost out.

As Liebner contemplated how a vegan would survive a year here without needing supplemental IV nutritional treatments, Louk hit the jackpot — the waffle bar! He loaded a waffle up with all the usual brunch fixings: strawberries, maple syrup and chocolate chips! As Liebner chided Louk’s sugar and carb-heavy plate (and his tendency to use exclamation marks when on a sugar-high), both realized that nearly all of Branner’s vegetarian dining options were refined carbs — pastas, white rices, waffles, French fries and desserts.

In fact, the only thing the Branner dining seemed to do well was dessert. Though Branner is ostensibly the “destination” for Mongolian BBQ “dining,” it mostly seemed to accommodate a raging sweet tooth.

The strawberry shortcake definitely hit the spot, and the Froyo and various toppings were scrumptious — except for the candy corn. Louk speculated it had been left over from Branner’s Halloween party. When he reentered the dining hall and took a bite, the crack of the rock-hard candy corn echoed throughout the vaulted, nearly empty room.

Where were all the eager freshmen stocking up on fruits, veggies and whole grains? It was only on the way out that Liebner and Louk realized yet another sad fact about Branner dining — it’s only open until 6:30 p.m. for dinner. What about late practices, dinnertime meetings and irritatingly-scheduled IHUM sections? Apparently, it’s off to Wilbur, Manzanita or Stern with you.

This is probably just as well. As Louk and Liebner staggered back to Wilbur from carb-induced, protein-deprived sugar comas, they realized that the freshmen 15 that both assumed they had avoided by crafting deft, well-balanced quasi-vegetarian entrees complete with greens and grains was in actuality most likely sidestepped simply by not living in Branner.

It was then that the two appreciated that one good thing did come out of this meal — three years’ worth of bitterness about missing out on Branner was evaporating faster than the water on the steamed veggies they were looking forward to back at Wilbur.

Bowls of Cereal: 0, because Branner has only TWO cereals to choose from!

Tofu blocks: Also 0! A double bagel, if you will, because they didn’t even have whole-wheat ones!

Christina Liebner and David Louk enjoy going for “swims” in Lake Lag and napping while watching Gilmore Girls, respectively. If you share these interests and don’t have plans for the weekend, email them at cliebner@stanford.edu and dlouk@stanford.edu.