In case you missed the memo (or the hundreds of emails and flyers), the Farm’s annual hunting season is about to begin.

Although some overanxious poachers have spent the past few months learning to navigate the CDC website, prepping their resumes and conducting practice interviews, next Monday’s Career Fair marks the official opening day of Job Hunt 2007 for everyone else.

As the successful survivor of several harried seasons and the owner of 1.3333 widely-thought-to-be-unmarketable degrees, I have generously decided to share a few pointers. Before I do so, however, I would like to thank my friends at the Official Online Hunting Safety Course for Michigan Hunters for providing the “Ten Commandments of Firearm Safety” (printed in bold below).

1. Watch that muzzle! Keep it pointed in a safe direction at all times. It may seem self-evident, but think before you speak — at the career fair, at an interview, at any location within five miles of your potential employer. Avoid “like,” “hella,” profanity and, of course, Stanford acronyms (the time and energy it takes to explain them is much better spent talking about your brilliant problem-solving abilities). Stick to subjects you know (i.e., yourself) and don’t exaggerate. Professionals can tell.

2. Treat every firearm with the respect due a loaded gun. It might be, even if you think it isn’t. Don’t dismiss the other candidates. You might feel better walking around the goody-covered tables or stepping into the interview, but you will feel horrible when one of them gets the job. Besides, you never know who can hear you (see #1).

3. Be sure of the target and what is in front of it and beyond it. Know the identifying features of the game you hunt. Make sure you have an adequate backstop — don’t shoot at a flat, hard surface or water. As any practiced stalker will tell you: research, research, research. If you’re about to spend a summer, a year or a decade working somewhere, you better like most everything about it.

4. Keep your finger outside the trigger guard until ready to shoot. This is the best way to prevent an accidental discharge. Whether you’re putting together an application or considering an offer, don’t act too quickly. Just because you’re worried about spending the summer/year/rest of your life living with your parents, you should not take aim until you’re good and ready. Hastily prepared resumes and cover letters generally reveal themselves (as when you forget to change the company’s name in the last paragraph of your copy-and-paste job).

5. Check your barrel and ammunition. Make sure the barrel and action are clear of obstructions, and carry only the proper ammunition for your firearm. Although your superstar personality will win you points at an interview, it is unlikely to make much of an impression at the career fair. That means that, even if you’ve already met your prey face-to-face, your resume is the only way to get your foot in the door (or, to continue the column’s extended metaphor, your bullet in the brain). Obstructions such as spelling, grammar and parallel structure count, as do current dating and font size. In terms of bearing only “proper” ammunition, tailor your resume for each job; Goldman Sachs is unlikely to care much about your five summers as a camp counselor, but Reading Rainbow Nursery School certainly will.

6. Unload firearms when not in use. Leave actions open; carry firearms in cases and unloaded to and from the shooting area. Down time, both at an extended interview and in your regular life, is important. Do not talk job-hunt at the dinner table, nor in the company cafeteria. Unless prompted to do so, do not distribute your resume during a five-minute coffee break. You will frustrate your potential employers, annoy your friends and quite possibly drive yourself crazy.

7. Point a firearm only at something you intend to shoot. Avoid all horseplay with a gun. In our senior year, one of my friends went through 70 first-round interviews. He spent most weekends between January and May in a hotel or in transit, and only took his suit off long enough to get it cleaned. He currently has one job.

8. Don’t run, jump, or climb with a loaded firearm. Unload a firearm before you climb a fence or tree, or jump a ditch. If you carry a resume while exercising — because “you never know” who will be running Campus Drive at 5:00 pm — you need help. See #6 for further details.

9. Store firearms and ammunition separately and safely. Store each in secured locations beyond the reach of children and careless adults. Save your resume in multiple places — computers crash.

10. Avoid alcoholic beverages before and during shooting. Also avoid mind- or behavior-altering medicines or drugs. Enough said.

Although she plans to attend the Career Fair on Monday afternoon, Lisa Mendelman will gladly accept all job offers and resume requests sent to lisame@stanford.edu.