After returning from a recent trip to Las Vegas, Nev., a man who wished to remain anonymous (for obvious reasons) fell victim to a peculiar affliction, which professionals at the Stanford Hospital have positively identified as Emasculitis. The doctors indicate that there has only been one other case this severe — John Bobbit’s 1992 encounter with an eight-inch kitchen knife — but they fear the possibility of the condition spreading to other males. The man’s prognosis is uncertain.

“I’ve never been so afraid in my life,” said the man. Emasculitis is a condition that has only recently been seriously considered by psychologists and medical doctors, though it has been documented for centuries. Strangely, the disease only affects males in relationships. Those affected suffer from a sudden loss of assertiveness, a lowered gaze, the inability to make decisions and a doused sex drive akin to the impotence exhibited by 80-year-old retirees. In certain cases, Emasculitis patients suffer a shrinkage in the testicular region. The first documented case involved a man, a woman, an apple and an argument over proper pruning techniques. Throughout history, Emasculitis has taken different forms and has been referred to by various terms. Henpecked. Cuckoled. Whipped. In every instance, the symptoms have remained the same.

“We usually only see Emasculitis in older couples,” said the attendant at the ER. “[The disease] almost never attacks with this severity and swiftness in someone so young.”

The case of Emasculitis in Las Vegas adds a new wrinkle to this frightening condition. Reports indicate that the Emasculitis was in such an advanced stage that the man’s testicles had atrophied to the size of raisins. Emergency medical technicians barely managed to save him from a complete separation. Doctors are still trying to ascertain the causes of this bizarre case but have few leads. Reliable sources report that the man was accompanied throughout the weekend by five women, two of which were turning 21.

Problems began as the beer started to flow like wine. “A weekend trip to Vegas with five women? That sounds amazing,” joked the attending EMT, “just don’t tell my wife.” But what is one man’s Bacchanal is another’s nightmare. Shortly after midnight on the first night, the women began exhibiting signs of extreme intoxication.

Dr. Henry Crane, leading psychologist and social behavior analyst, describes the situation that the man faced with an analogy to nature. “The human female is much like the wildebeest on the Serengeti. Normally, they travel in small packs of three to five. Human males can be considered as lions or another large predatory mammal, if you’ll pardon the conceit. When the female drinks large quantities of alcohol, usually in the form of fruity drinks, she effectively becomes that wildebeest with one game leg and a missing eye. The lion sees easy prey. The man [from Vegas] unfortunately did not take into account the numbers. Lions are not solitary hunters and the wildebeest clearly outnumbered him.”

Another suspected cause of Emasculitis closely tied to female alcohol consumption is the high-pitched squeals that issue forth from inebriated women upon the occurrence of just about anything. These frequencies are specifically attuned to the chemical composition of testosterone, canceling out any male hormone in the air to the ire of men and animals sensitive to higher frequencies alike.

“I don’t recall too much of the weekend,” said the ball-busted man while recovering at Stanford Hospital, “but I didn’t have a thing to drink.”

Speculation in the case is rampant. The man’s own theory is that the Emasculitis set in to full effect when the women he traveled with insisted on his bringing a tie in order to adhere to a strict high-end club’s dress code. The man was shocked when the women informed him that “bring a tie” actually meant “bring nice dress shoes, preferably in black or brown leather, that don’t look like sneakers but aren’t as dressy as what you would wear with a tuxedo.” The women interviewed said he should have known better.

Perhaps the precipitating factor came when the women insisted he effeminize his behavior so that the club’s bouncer would allow him through the doors.

Some close relatives believe that the man’s incapacitation was perhaps due to the atmosphere of the city. A wretched hive of scum and villainy, Las Vegas has been advertised as a lockbox of incriminating behavior, but this time it seems that what happened in Vegas has not stayed there.

If you or anyone you know is affected by Emasculitis, there is hope. Studies have shown that long stints of watching football and eating large slabs of red meat have reversed the effects of Emasculitis. The disease may be incurable but the symptoms can be minimized. Men with the condition should be avoided by other men until testosterone levels have returned to normal.