People tell me I’m supposed to hate Berkeley.

But, to be honest, I haven’t given it a moment’s notice since I started college. Cal is a great school, and, regardless of my views on bears (blood-thirsty fiends, thank you Mr. Colbert), I think the rivalry between our schools is childish, silly and an utter waste of energy. Both are good institutions.

Hollywood disagrees.

Searching through the well-spring of all human knowledge — Wikipedia — certain shocking trends in movies concerning Berkeley came to light. It is common knowledge that the bear-worshiping campus is notorious for its militant liberalism, botanical programs and an indeterminate ire for “the Man.” These conceptions are spread by the media. What my search revealed, however, were subliminal hints at what can only be described as a Hollywood conspiracy to brainwash America into believing that Berkeley is a bastion for — wait for it — the seven deadly sins.

As with any good persuasive argument, I will need to cite evidence to prove this most scandalous of claims. I’ll start with the most obvious sin, the one you see everyday in America: greed. In the 1995 masterpiece, “Congo,” a film about diamond-hoarding monkeys (or apes, depending on whether or not you subscribe to the theory of that schmuck Darwin), early scenes of a university campus are labeled as Berkeley. Granted, these scenes were actually shot at UCLA, but what Hollywood is trying to tell us that avaricious pirate-scientists from Berkeley are predisposed to pillaging diamond-encrusted monkeys to line their own pockets.

At another fictionalized version of Berkeley, scientists wrap themselves in lab coats and pride. They unlock “The Andromeda Strain,” much to the chagrin of living tissue, and, as we all know, the unlocking of any kind of super-virus does not lead to happiness and puppies. It leads to boils and puss.

For the angriest sin of all, wrath, Hollywood’s vehicle turned out to be green and poorly directed. Ang Lee’s “Hulk” starts in a lab on the Berkeley campus proper and proceeds to rampage its way into the desert, quite improperly. What America should have gleaned from this film is that Berkeley is the embodiment of rage, and it’s certainly no coincidence that Hulk’s body was green.

While it may seem counterintuitive to say that sloth was the hardest sin for which to find a cinematic example given the nature of Berkeley’s bountiful “gardens,” this surprisingly turned out to be the case. However, all I had to do was check out film’s ugly cousin, television, to find a suitable instance of lethargy, and boy howdy did it deliver. “The OC” is filled with absolutely worthless and despicably unnecessary people who sit around whining about how much money they have. Some of them purportedly graduated from Cal. ‘Nuff said.

For my favorite sin of all, gluttony, Hollywood targeted the college crowd with “National Lampoon’s Van Wilder.” The sly insertion of Sather Tower into “Van Wilder’s” climactic courtroom scene makes a subtle point of Van’s fatuous presence on campus. Wilder typifies the conspicuous consumption of alcohol, women and assorted “cream”-filled pastries of the gluttonous, self-made man. The film’s fictional college setting is merely a cover — you’re not fooling anyone, Hollywood; we all know it’s Cal.

An open and shut case for the sin of lust is made by Sharon Stone’s character in “Basic Instinct.” As a Berkeley graduate, Stone’s Catherine Tramell supposedly murders her professor, but the world over knows her simply for her methods of seduction. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I would say that Hollywood is trying to associate Berkeley with a mean hankerin’ for Ms. Stone. Despicable. Especially considering her role in “Catwoman.”

The seventh and final deadly sin Hollywood films have pinned on our neighbors across the Bay is, of course, envy. For this sin I refer to our fearless Governator to provide a suitable example. Like most of the other films in this study of transgression, this one too was cooked up in a test tube. A man with impeccable (and possibly accidental) comedic timing, Arnold Schwarzenegger literally impregnates himself in “Junior,” a film shot once again in a lab at Berkeley. The interesting thing about this gender bender is the fact that the fictional university in which the physically impossible happens is called “Leland University” — a clear reference to our alma mater. Now, I’m not one to adhere to our juvenile rivalry, but it would seem to me that that cunning little reference implies that Berkeley scientists only wished they could impregnate a man — a feat I predict Stanford scientists will accomplish sometime in the near future, anatomy be damned.

So repent sinners and bear lovers, your time has come . . . to a theater near you!