In the wake of the success of “Grey’s Anatomy,” “House” and “ER,” I feel the market for doctor dramas is at its height. Now, I need to find a way to cash in. So I’m going to make my own show.

In this doctor show, I need a sympathetic and charismatic but at the same time deeply flawed individual: “House” is a complete jerk, the lead woman in “Grey’s Anatomy” always looks like she just woke up and George Clooney isn’t even on “ER” anymore. I think my doctor will defy moral conventions, the hypogriffin oath will be flaunted—he’ll routinely put his patients’ lives in jeopardy and slay innocent hypogriffins. He’s also a recovering mescaline addict, did I mention that? Well he is, but he has a chiseled and unshaven chin and is therefore lovable. But ambiguously lovable.

His mescaline habit is more of a quirk, really, and it’s only suggested that it actually affects his work in a two part episode. But in that episode, he’s so high he untucks his shirt and is more rude to his patients than normal. He learns a valuable lesson.

Patient: “Doctor, I’m deeply depressed and my kidneys have shut down.”

Hunky Doctor: “You don’t deserve to live.”

Audience: “Haha, he’s so witty. But inside, you know he’s hurting.”

Real doctors: “wtf?”

I also need some kind of inexplicable and anachronistic set of diseases that afflict my local hospital. Somehow, the bubonic plague hits northern New Jersey.

The entire staff gets chicken pox and for some reason only gets sexier. Kubla Khan’s DNA is found in a young boy and only my sympathetic doctor knows how to cure him before he eats/pillages the entire hospital!

There needs to be a supporting cast of characters that each have their own drug/sex/social addiction that they must overcome. But none of them has a chiseled chin like my hunky doctor, and so none of them knows about the obscure Amazonian crocodile that is eating a patient’s pancreas. Only the hunky doctor knows the truth, but the other doctors who “follow the rules” and “believe in moral accountability” make his job more difficult on a weekly basis. They all wish they had a stubbled chin like his.

Then of course there is the sex. I gotta have lots of sexual tension in the show. It doesn’t really matter if there isn’t any chemistry between the characters; it’s the awkwardness of the relationship that creates the drama. One of the head doctors has a hand injury so his lover has to secretly perform his surgeries for him. One doctor asks her boss out on a date and the entire team questions her decision as a patient lies dying. Characters sleep with their bosses, their workmates and their patients. In season five of “Grey’s Anatomy”, controversy stems from Dr. Steven’s decision to date her patient’s unborn fetus while Dr. Shepard finds himself increasingly attracted to a chair.

The entire point of sexual tension is for later on, when I have to kill the characters off. I of course need to have the doctors die in the hospital, preferably under the knife of their lovers or friends. That’s what makes television show gripping, so real. And unlike the parade of guest stars that appear on the shows with bad cases of Dadaism, the doctor characters on the show will be offed in ridiculously inept and ironic ways. One walks in front of a bus. Another wanders into Newark. One of the least talented cast members wanders off into Hollywood and just kind of calls in their role from then on. Terrible, ironic tragedies—all of them.

Near the end of my show’s season, the entire hospital will go on some kind of lockdown or alert. Bomb threats, some airborne virus and November sweeps, whatever- the hospital needs to crank up the tension STAT. I think it be cool if a rival group of doctors came in and tried to out do the other doctors. Like, an anti-lovable cast of characters. They have questionable means or they go by the book—whatever is the opposite of my cast. My dreamy male lead has a foil who looks just like him (complete with a listless love interest) but with an eye patch! That way you know he’s evil. McEvil, even. The show culminates in a pseudo-family double-dare moment where fake blood and other fluids are splaying everywhere as both teams race to save the most amount of people possible after the Knicks break free from their prison and run amok among the local populace. William H. Macy guest stars as the unsympathetic hospital director who puts his patient’s lives at risk for economic gain. Oh, and he and my dreamy doctor use to be rival street fighters or something.

The show practically writes itself.

Chris thinks “House” should be just called “House’s Anatomy” because that’s what everybody wants to see anyways. Send complaints to cholt@stanford.edu