1. Mel Gibson goes bonkers— ah, good old Mel. Who would have known that the acclaimed director of “Braveheart” would be such an avid anti-Semite? (Hint: See “The Passion of the Christ”). After an embarrassing arrest for DUI charges in mid-August, Gibson went on a tirade spouting the evils of Judaism, which he claimed was “blurted out in a moment of insanity.” If by “moment,” you mean “decades,” then yeah, I’ll believe you. A piece of advice Mr. Gibson — something tells me that Hollywood is probably not the best place for hating Jews.

2. Spiderman Unmasked — comic book nerds let out a collective gasp of horror as Marvel comics did the unthinkable: revealed Spiderman’s secret identity to the public. In what could only be described as the smartest marketing ploy ever, every enemy, friend and shmoe on the street knows that Peter Parker is your friendly neighborhood Spiderman — and Marvel’s sales execs couldn’t be happier. And while Marvel might be happy with the extra dough from the Civil War storyline they’ve been putting out, you have to ask yourself, “What on earth were they thinking?”

3. Rattlers freed in “Snakes on Plane” theater prank — (drunken college-aged) hooligans in Phoenix, Arizona released a pair of diamondback rattler snakes in a crowded theater during the release of Samuel L. Jackson’s magnum opus “Snakes on Plane.” Authorities captured the dangerous reptiles but not before Jackson could say, “I’ve had it with these motherf**cking snakes in this motherf**cking AMC!” He then proceeded to shoot out a window and land the theater safely.

4.Paris Hilton announces her celibacy — forget WMDs, this story is the biggest load of bull of the 21st century. Hilton saying that she won’t have sex until marriage is like saying fish don’t need water to survive. By the time you finish reading this sentence, this vow will have been broken faster than you can say “skanktastic.”

5. Pluto no longer considered planet — the ninth and final planet was demoted to dwarf planet recently. Childhoods all over the country are irrevocably destroyed as months of school-learnin’ are swept away with no regard to tradition. Those scientists think they can do anything with their “facts.” No reaction yet from Paris Hilton, who thought that Pluto was just that orange dog from Disney.