“Dorm Daze Two: College @ Sea” is billed as “an adventure on the ‘high’ seas.” If people who thought putting “high” in parentheses was funny were allowed to write a movie, this is the comedy they would write. Think of it as a standard “Saved By the Bell episode, only 100 minutes long with nudity, drugs, profanity, and Playboy cover girl Vida Guerra. It’s the second installment of the reasonably popular Dorm Daze DVD franchise, only instead of in a dorm, this time the coeds frolic around a cruise ship during a semester at sea. Produced by Lions Gate Entertainment — a company renowned for lame horror movie knockoffs — the movie is an exercise in pitching low budget, formulaic comedy at a specified, perceivably horny audience of 18-25 year-old males. Conveniently all the bad guys are fat and old, while all the protagonists are ripped and/or (mostly or) buxom.

The comedic high water mark is set in the first 20 minutes when three students perform a “post modern” play called Womanizing Objects. “Hello man, I am a vagina. These are my breasts, these are my bosoms, those are her cans. Bouncy, bouncy!” All the while, everyone in the audience is just there for the tits. Huh. Go figure. More entertaining bits of the movie come from the cyclic drama constructed around a giddy desire for money that is shared by virtually all the characters. Somehow a honking diamond shows up on board, only to be confused with the diamond in a student play. A monkey named ChooChoo, who was supposed to be ground up into drugs is running around, switching everyone’s guns, poisons, and potent hallucinogens. Then someone actually dies, but no one really seems to care. He was an asshole anyways.

The cast is very hit or miss, but contains some familiar faces. Vida Guerra plays Violet, the über-hot leader of the College Ladies Against Penis or CLAP. While Guerra is certainly drool-inducing, her acting is wooden — no wonder her dialogue is kept to a minimum. Danielle Fishel, better known as Topanga from “Boy Meets World,” is the rather stout, “cock blocking fascist” slut. The rest of the cast is culled from various day-time TV shows and B-movies.

In a movie that was very obviously given a license to do whatever it wanted, the writers did a very half-assed job. A straight to DVD feature aimed directly at college guys has the opportunity to get its hands on some of the quirky, unique, and even totally gross humor that makes college so entertaining. Aside from one “Dirty Sanchez” reference and some iffy stoner jokes (“to the Bong, Batman”), the humor is unremarkable, almost obviously written by someone out of college for a while. There are some scattered virtues, but the movie is otherwise best described as cringe-worthy. The dialogue is canned, the soundtrack is full of Van Halen wannabes crooning songs with titles like “Higher Sexication”, and there’s a lot of man-ass shown.

At its best, it plays like a modern, sexier version of Molière, but as its worst comes out like a thousand anonymous cliché TV shows that never made it through their first season. When accepted on its own terms, DD2 is not a bad movie. Then again, that’s probably too much to ask most people.