I can’t believe you tried to taser me. Even the police don’t use these things anymore. The police will nightstick you, they will tear gas you, they will drag you out of your car and beat you. But they will not taser you, because it causes fatal heart attacks, man.

Maybe I was trying to rob you, although you didn’t really take the time to establish that. But I’m still an unarmed man. What if you had tasered me into a stroke and left me twitching there on the ground with my whole left side paralyzed? And I was forced to spend the rest of my life in some sort of institution where the nurses would place bets on whether the half paralyzed guy or the guy who got put here because he ate his neighbor’s dog would be the one who’d lose the nightly battle for the last remaining bed. What would you tell the court then?

‘I thought my wallet was more important than my brother’s life’? ‘I’d rather have’, let’s see here...two hundred and sixteen dollars, ‘than let another man keep the use of his limbs.”

You are lucky it is twelve degrees outside right now and I’m wearing a coat. Didn’t you read the instruction manual on this thing? It’s not magic, it’s not gonna go through three inches of wool and cloth. You need to apply the little prongs directly to skin...didn’t you ever test this thing out on yourself?

What? You were going to use this on me and you don’t even know what it feels like yourself? For shame. You should have at least tried it out on your dog or something.

No, I’m not going to give it back. What were you thinking when you bought this?

Well, there are 350 shopping days ‘til Christmas, I’m sure your mom can get you a new one. Why were you carrying this around? Soon your friends are going to...you do have friends right? There’s no point in even doing this if your friends don’t come out of that bar to see you win the fight.

Alright man, but you still need to listen to this. What would your friends think if they walked out and saw you standing over my twitching body holding this thing? That’s just an uncool way to handle a situation like this. I mean, let’s say you’re taking a piss in an alley and a man politely asks you for your wallet and phone. The classy way to handle this is to just give them up. I mean, no threats have been made, at that point it’s just a polite request. But if you want to go the other route, there’s a certain protocol to follow.

See you’re breaking the protocol, you’re breaking it right now, because I’m not done talking and you’re interrupting me. In this kind of situation you can’t just whip out a cattle prod and start shocking everything that moves, you got to let the situation escalate naturally.

First you might say, “I think you should find easier prey”...see, since you’re going for that suave man of action thing.

And then I’ll turn it into a bad joke, like, “I think you’re the one that should pray.”

Then, this is key, you have to give me one last chance to back down, then we rumble, which is gonna turn out badly for me, of course. Because before you crawled into that suit, you were a child soldier in Rezburristan, where you had to survive on lice picked from the skulls of your dead comrades. Until you fell into a ravine and were nursed back to health by Catholic nuns. No, make that Shaolin monks, who forced you to do impossible stuff like write your name on a grain of rice and pluck the eyeball from a tadpole with your bare fingers. Until eventually you gained their trust and were taught how to kill with a mere thought. When you eventually came to the U.S. you became a secret operative for the CIA whose only thought and purpose is bringing down the enemies of your adopted nation. So of course you’re going to manage to take me down in a brutal yet nonlethal manner, but I’m not going to mind, you see. Because you followed the damn protocol.

Oh, you weren’t a child soldier? Then you don’t have any business...Hold on a sec, your phone is ringing. Who’s Vivien?

Hey Viv, can you take the leash off your man? We’re trying to have a conversation here.

We’re old buddies from the war. He amputated my leg when the rot set in. All our knives were rusty and I was behind on my tetanus shots, so he had to gnaw through the bone with his baby teeth.

Well I guess there’s a lot you don’t know. For instance, did you know he carries a taser? What’s he afraid of? Something you aint telling us, Viv?

Listen Viv, gotta go, I think he’s trying to...

I can’t believe you did that, we were having a chat. We were connecting. Well you may have your cell and your wallet, but at least I have my dignity and Vivien’s phone number. And believe me; she is going to be getting some vicious prank phone calls. And my friend, I will do my level best to convert those humorous exchanges into booty calls.

No, no, don’t you threaten me. I have not harmed you to the slightest degree. Yet you have used your CIA commando tactics to throw me to the ground and rob me. I am not happy, and I’d like you to know just one thing. This little victory, don’t repeat it to your friends. You totally fucked with the protocol, it does not count.

Wait, don’t go. You have your wallet back, that’s great, I can respect that. But can you at least leave me the Diner’s Club card? They have a great rewards program, and I’ve really been looking for a gift certificate to the Sharper Image.

Fine, that’s your choice. Leave an old war buddy out in the cold. Don’t you even remember the cause we fought for? Just go, traitor. You’re making the fatherland weep tears of blood.

No, don’t stand there hesitating. Don’t even ask. I will not give your taser back.