As a debut columnist, it seemed natural to start my tenure by mocking others. A fleeting moment of nostalgia reminded me that one of my favorite things to do as a freshman was mock the freshman columnists. This was largely because I was not selected to be a freshman columnist. Still, freshman writers are perversely intriguing, just like freeway pileups and genital piercings. If you are like me and were denied the opportunity to have your freshman naivete publicly mocked and enshrined forever in newsprint, never fret — below is a guide to how to write your very own freshman column.

And yes, all quotations are from real freshman columns printed in The Stanford Daily.

Step No. 1: Choose an engaging first sentence. Zero in on something that’s quirky and quintessentially “college,” like beer or furtive masturbation in the shower. One example: “It is not uncommon to see Stanford students walk around campus with shirts or caps that proclaim ‘Cal Sucks’ or ‘Beat Cal.’”

We can immediately relate: I, too, have seen someone wearing a “Cal Sucks” shirt or cap! The reader is instantly engaged.

Step No. 2: Hone in on your Big Idea. Let your incisive eye rove across the Stanford campus. Dining hall food? “It gets old after a while.” The Facebook? “I won’t lie; I’m just as guilty of Facebook-procrastination as the next person.” The more obvious the better. Who needs nuance? We’re too tired to decipher complex arguments over a bowl of Raisin Bran at nine o’clock in the morning.

Step No. 3: Tie your Big Idea into something you’re studying in an introductory humanities class. Simply knowing that you go to Stanford isn’t enough for us to realize that you’re Smart, capital S. Rehash your I-Hum prof’s rhetorical verbosity in support of your argument. If it doesn’t really fit your argument, no matter: just use big words. The loftier the language, the better. “They put such topics as the correspondence theory of truth, Zeno’s paradox and epistemological chance in language that even Jumpers could understand.” I’ll bet they did!

Step No. 4: Mention alcohol and frat parties. Even if you don’t participate. In fact, especially if you don’t participate — flout your moral superiority! “I went to my first frat party this weekend. I feel like I’ve just discovered an alien culture.” If you’re a teetotaler, there’s no reason to hide it — write a column about it! “If you’ve never been part of the sober minority in a room full of intoxicated freshmen, you are missing out on an interesting time.” Get me to Wilbur!

Step No. 5: Be “meta.” It’s okay to point out the novelty of having your own column. “It’s ironic that, as a columnist, I share the inner workings of my mind with hundreds of people every week.” Or “What I like about writing a column is that I can openly eschew fairness and tell it like I see it.” Writing a column about writing a column? Totally meta. (Note the irony of mocking meta columnists in a column about how to write a column. Whoa.)

Step No. 6: End with a pithy one-liner. It’s important that the reader is left with a slogan, something to knock incessantly at the insides of his or her skull all day. The opener in Step No. 1 ends with this: “I am a ‘Stanford Boy,’ and damn proud of it.”

Step No. 7: Wrap things up with a cutesy, contextually-appropriate one-line bio. In a column about community service: “If you want to flood his e-mail inbox with more volunteer opportunities...”

Now that I’m a columnist, will I follow my own guidelines? You bet. Mock me if you will — I probably deserve it.

Barrett is “insert your own cutesy, contextually-appropriate one-line bio here.” You can reach him at barretts@stanford.edu.