Roxy concedes that at first glance Christmas doesn’t really seem like one of the sexier holidays. For one, there’s that whole Virgin Birth thing. Remind Roxy why Mary would want to skip the fun part? But she begs you to look beyond such unappetizing ideas and revel in the sexual potential of Christmas. What exactly is your Christmas tree doing to the smiling angel you so innocently plunked on top of it?

With the possible exception of Valentine’s Day, Roxy feels, Christmas is the most romantic holiday. It may not be quite the hookup-haven that Thanksgiving supplied you with, but let’s face it— no one wants to be alone at Christmastime. Let this be your motto over the next few weeks, and Roxy guarantees you’ll be Jingle Bell Rockin’ all the way home. Roxy cordially invites you to her very special holiday party. Sing out and rejoice, because there’s no need for your Christmas to be a Silent Night.

Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire

Baby, it’s cold outside. Cute scarves, puffy jackets, rosy cheeks. What better time than now to cozy up to someone special? Start a different kind of fire this Christmas, and don’t stop until your and your partner’s chest(and)nuts are absolutely sizzling. Got some cherries, er, corn for poppin’?

Away In A Manger

The last few days and nights of fall quarter are the best time to move in on the hottie in your psych class. Console her after she bombs the final until you worm your way right into her cozy bed. His roommate is leaving early? You’re not going to get a better chance than this. Plus, it removes a lot of the awkwardness of running into the other person next week in class. Even if you do have a class or two together winter quarter, you’ve each had a month to forget the experience ever happened.

I’ll Be Home for Christmas

You’re finally at home again for a decent amount of time, and chances are most of your friends from high school have made it back as well. Not to mention the homecoming royalty you never had the guts to talk to. Roxy encourages you to make Stanford proud. Show off what you’ve actually learned here, you know, the real-life knowledge that can’t be found in books. Unless you’re in the South Stacks.

Oh Come, All Ye Faithful

Been sticking with a hometown sweetie who’s just no match for your dorm’s RCC this year? Perhaps you Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus? Don’t hesitate to cut things off this Christmas. It’s best for everyone to start the New Year afresh. If you’ve decided to keep at it, then by all means take advantage of your time together this Christmas, without the need to sexile anyone. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.

Santa Claus is Coming to Town

And we all know what that means: he’s gonna find out who’s naughty or nice! But trust Roxy: he likes both. Mix it up this Christmas. Mess around. Who could have guessed how much that guy at the New Year’s party would dig your elf costume, or at least its kinky potential? Even if Santa gives you a lump of coal, you’ll get a lot more in your stocking this Christmas than ever before.

Roxy hopes you enjoyed her Christmas party. Take a sprig of mistletoe on your way out. She bids you farewell until the New Year with a final Merry Christmas. Truly, it’s the most wonderful time of the year.