Some conservative right-wing thinkers believe that right now there is a “war” being waged against Christmas. That’s slightly inaccurate, to say the least. There is no war yet. It still has yet to be ratified by the House and Senate, but the evidence right now shows that Christmas does indeed possess weapons of mass destruction, including the alleged J-bomb, which possesses the power of God, equivalent to infinity megatons of TNT if you’re religious (and a firecracker if you’re not).

So officially, there is no war yet, but let’s not plan as if this thing isn’t going to happen. If we’re going to take out Christmas, we have to be prepared — or else Santa, dictator of Christmas, is going to hide his WMD’s just like Saddam did, and there will be nothing for weapons inspectors to find. That’s why we need to act now. Christmas is now officially the newest member of the Axis of Evil.

And don’t think that just because Christmas is at the North Pole, it can’t get to us. Christmas has been infiltrating our country and even our homes for decades now, dropping little “presents” down our chimneys. We can stand for this kind of direct attack no longer. Also, with its patented Reindeer-Droppings Missiles all pointed straight at the heartland of our great nation, Christmas is the greatest threat to our national security. It must be stopped at all costs.

Lucky for us, we have much experience with invading countries. We should use those tactics, which have been proven throughout history to be useful and effective measures for waging war against a rogue nation.

The first thing we must do is gather intelligence. Intelligence will show us the exact location of those menacing Reindeer Missiles. Intelligence will also tell us how many “Emperial” Lethal Forces (ELFs) will be protecting Santa. Once we have the location of the Reindeer Missiles, however, our first task must be to destroy them. We must obliterate the reindeer. Every last one. There shall be not one remaining. With the threat neutralized, our ground troops can then move in.

The North Pole is a frozen and barren wasteland. Armies from nations before us, such as Germany and France, have made the mistake of aggressing too far into frozen wastelands. We will not make the same mistake, however. In order to neutralize the threat of the cold, we will employ the use of massive amounts of carbon emissions in order to melt the ice caps. This should give our troops sufficient ability to survive the climate and take down the heart of the threat.

From here, our troops will move into the base of operations for Christmas: Santa’s Workshop. Intelligence already gathered informs us this is the last major stronghold. With our ground troops, armed with the latest technology, we should be able to bring down Santa in a matter of weeks.

He will then be returned to the United States to await trial for possession of concealed nuclear weapons as well as violation of human rights. Intelligence shows that for years, Santa has selectively discriminated against the little people of the North Pole, and forced them into slave labor at work camps located in Santa’s Workshop, North Pole. Here, they manufactured all of Santa’s “presents” and performed manual labor. If Santa is found guilty, he could stand to face a maximum one-million consecutive life sentences or, if that isn’t good enough, 120 death sentences.

If the war on Christmas is ratified, the head of U.S. troops in Iraq, George Casey, will be reassigned to lead this force, tentatively known as Operation Grinch. “It’s a surefire success,” he assures us. History is on our side. Judging from the effectiveness of the Tet offensive in Vietnam, where the Viet Kong attacked American troops on the Vietnamese holiday Tet, Operation Grinch should achieve the same level of effectiveness, as the war will indeed be waged on a holiday.

We must always protect our glorious nation against the threat posed by any adversary, no matter how powerful. And we must act now, to preserve the lifestyle we love. So, everyone, write to your congressman: Ratify the war on Christmas.