One of the great tragedies of the midterm elections was the way it obscured news of Britney Spears’ and Kevin Federline’s divorce. In normal times, I don’t know how exactly the information would be conveyed to me. I don’t watch celebrity gossip shows or read tabloids. But somehow each new plot twist causes the collective unconscious would begin to swirl and churn. The story would start to come together, perhaps from a casual conversation with a friend, a video on YouTube or a message on that email list I keep meaning to unsubscribe from.

But through the media savvy of Britney Spears (or her general obliviousness to the world), the news broke on November 6th, when the media was so enthralled by our so-called democracy that they neglected to give us the news we really want. Instead I had to actually go on the internet and search out the speculations of the paparazzi.

First of all, there are the reasons for the divorce. The court papers cited irreconcilable differences. And I’d be surprised if one of those differences wasn’t the ridiculousness of Kevin Federline’s single, “PoPoZao.” This is a woman who has bought the best talent in the pop-music industry, a team of experts who have cranked out dozens of mindlessly fun songs. Now either Britney Spears withheld that know-how from her husband, or he wasn’t cunning enough to make use of it. Either way, it besmirched the entire music industry and it’s ability to tell us what we like. There are also reports that Britney may have caught K-Fed with another woman, but I still think it’s probably “PoPoZao.”

Unfortunately for K-Fed, the sixty page prenuptial agreement he signed gave away his rights to the massive fortune Spears has built on the backs of adolescent girls. But according to a News of the World column, he may have decided to go into business for himself by selling off a four hour sex tape that may or may not feature Spears performing the wildest sexual acts ever conjured by the fevered dreams of man.

Clearly, Spears is worried that this will injure her reputation as a woman of upstanding morals. Two married people having sex? What has happened to the world?

And there are some kids too, whom no one cares about except for the people who spawned them, and maybe not even them. But I’m sure they’ll make excellent points of struggle in this ongoing saga.

Now, you may be wondering, “Who cares? The Dems just won the House and Senate! Don’t you know that they’re going to raise our taxes, take away our guns, and cut and run from Iraq like the two-faced cowards they are?”

But elections come every two years. It’s always new people, new issues, new faces, new ballot boxes being stuffed. There’s no continuity. Britney and I, we have a relationship. She’s been part of the American legend for years. She’s stepped into new roles, going from shocking nymphet to trailer-park millionaire, but she’s valuable because she tells a story that serve as a stand-in for actual moral education.

And as the movies have shown, stories are always better when there are (formerly) hot people in them. And when cooler heads prevail, we’ll all realize that the one thing lacking from politics is hot people. Which is why, despite their seeming importance, elections just can’t win my attention for any extended period of time.