Every once in a while, whenever it strikes me to do so, we meet here to discuss the state of the dorm room. This is one of those times. (Applause)

We live in a time of uncertainty. A time when we’re not sure what the weather will be like tomorrow, if we’ll want to keep those textbooks or resell them and if it’s worth the effort to clean up the desk, knowing that it will only become messy again. But we, as Americans, will not sit back and accept these uncertainties. We will conquer them, in the way patriotic citizens have since time immemorial. (Applause)

To do so, we must examine the state of the dorm room currently. Since the beginning of the school year, we have made considerable strides in the area of comfort. Gone is the flimsy blanket that proved inadequate for warmth at night. In its place, a comforter as reassuring and protective as the American military itself.

The small mini-fridge has been exchanged for a steel giant that meets and exceeds our demand for sustenance, much like the farmers who provide the backbone of the economy. The area of window-coverings has seen considerable technological advancement with the addition of Christmas lights. They not only illuminate our space but also our hearts through their message of cheer, goodwill and good Christian values. (Applause)

But we would be remiss to simply congratulate ourselves on these successes and rest on our laurels. We must also confront — and conquer — the areas that need improvement.

Any visitor within these hallowed walls will recognize that space has become a decisive issue. Where once space was plentiful, under the lofted bed, in the shelves in the closet and in the numerous drawers, it has now become a scarce commodity. Papers, books and clothes impinge on the free space so desperately needed for homework, which is, after all, the backbone of the dorm system. It is what brings us here, to the great university of Stanford, and the reason for which our parents invest money in the economy. And we cannot allow the constraints of material possessions to interfere with those core American values! (Applause)

So while I applaud recent efforts to expand the wardrobe, cultural materials and paper products, I urge the administration to take decisive action against the growing space problem. While some might suggest the elimination or reduction of possessions, such a short-sighted strategy would cause a loss to material comfort that could cripple the work force. Alternative storage strategies must be investigated, such as the creation of another walk-in closet or a possible relocation to a single room. Such a decision will not be without costs, but shouldn’t we put worker morale first? (Applause)

In conclusion, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to thank you for your attention. We live in trying times, but I know that together we can conquer the problems facing us and this dorm room. Thank you.